Schools Out And I Should Be With My Daughters

Today turned out to be a good day. Every day we have a choice to make it a good day or a bad day. Some days for me are harder than others. Today was my friends daughters first day out of school and I couldn't help but think I should be with my daughters. It made me sad but I decided to practice some love therapy and it did bring me out of my funk. Savannah (alias) and Raylyn (alias) were off from school. Raylyn had a doctor's appointment so I asked Savannah if she would want to go for a hike. We went to a park that I used to go to with the girls. We used to take them biking and swimming in this park. Sometimes it is hard to visit the places I used to take my daughters, but other times it is healing. Today it was healing. Savannah and I headed to the park, when we got there I realized I had my camera. I love taking pictures of the girls, but opportunities are rare. Mother's Day ended before I got sad for me. I would post them on facebook with little positive quotes. I asked Savannah if she wanted to do a photo shoot. We had so much fun! We found little pine cones and we did some fun pictures with pine cones. A couple of summers ago I did the same thing with daisies with the girls. I made the girls daisy picture into a photo book with a poem....I was getting ready to start a photography business when my world came crumbling down in 2010. Someday I hope to be able to make that dream come true. When you take a picture of something or someone you can't help but be grateful that God brought that person or thing into your life. It is an easy way to practice gratefulness.

On our walk we came across a pile of rocks....I asked Savannah to take a picture for me. It is a representation of what it feels like to be alienated from your children by your spouse and the court system. It feels like you don't have a voice.

When you can't talk to your kids on the phone and tell them you love them it is so frustrating. When you are separated from your kids but it is not your choice it's like someone has put a rock on your mouth. When you advocate for counseling for your daughters that have spent over 500 nights without their mother and it is turned down in court it is like no one is listening to you. When your Mother's Day is ended after one hour when it is supposed to be 8 and you want to scream but you can't because then you have an anger problem. When you are in the court room and you only have 10 minutes to talk and you get interrupted by your spouses lawyer - you know you just said something really good - but then its gone. This blog is one place that I feel like I have a voice and if you are being alienated from your kids I would encourage you to do a blog. It is very healing. It doesn't matter if anyone listens as long as I have a voice. Even when my spouse and the girls lawyer are not listening to the voice of my daughters who need their Mother - God sees my words and feels my pain and He hears my voice and that is all that matters!

After our walk Savannah and Raylyn had ball practice. My friend wanted to work in the garden so I offered to go pick them up. It is healing to do Mommy things sometimes. I picked them up and then we went to the local ice cream shop and got baby cones. The girls and I would always get baby cones. Just the right amount of ice cream. We rolled the windows down and sang at the top our lungs. It felt so good to be free and use my voice. There is a song that we always crank up and sing. It is Dance by Kim Walker. The words go like this:

I'm after Your heart
Why should I be still
When the worship starts Lord
I'm so in love with You
What can man do
Can't hold me back anymore

You spin over me
And You are pleased
When I spend myself on you
I'm gonna let go now
Really worship
Letting my dance come forth

I love those words "What can man do Can't Hold Me Back Anymore!!!". God is in control and he is orchestrating something beautiful for my girls and I. To hear Kim Walker sing this gives me chills....such a powerful song!

In Peace and Love,

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May 23, 2012