Experiencing It Secondhand... And It Still Hurts

I am the fiance of a wonderful man who is losing his children to parental alienation. He has 2 children - a 16 y/o daughter and a 13 y/o son. Over the last year he has worked so hard to try and reverse the effects that his ex has had on his children. She is very intelligent so she never says anything directly to them. She lets them "accidentally" over hear her speaking to their father while she is telling him he has abandoned his children and he doesn't love them. He at least gets to see his children during the scheduled visitation. It usually takes them an entire day before warming up to him while they are there. Then they usually enjoy their couple of days and he returns them home. When they are home they ignore him and refuse to speak to him. During the whole time we have been together, I have never been around his kids. At first it was because it was so bad between them and him I didn't need to be in the picture because he needed time alone with them. Now that the ex has found out about me the children now say they want nothing to do with his life and if he marries me they will stop visitation. His ex made the comment the other day that he had better enjoy his time with his children because come April it would be no more.

This has put a huge strain on our relationship. I have now become a fiance who feels alone and is planning a wedding alone and is trying to be supportive. I know I cannot fully understand all the emotions he is going through but I try to understand and I try to let him know I am here for him. But now because of the fear of losing his children he is indecisive about our relationship. My thoughts are he should keep trying to show his children he loves them. He should keep texting them every night even though he gets no reply. But to put his life on hold while he fights this syndrome just seems devastating to me. I have volunteered to leave our own house while he brings his children over so he can warm them up to us. I have told him over and over again that we can "fight" this together... but the control his ex has created is about to destroy him and us. His children are on his mind 24/7 and I admire him for being such a great dad and for continuing to fight but it is out of his control.

I would love any suggestions on how you cope with the emptiness. How do you make it through each day without having your children? I'm trying to be supportive to my fiance but he retaliates with I don't understand what he is going through :(
apple29 apple29
6 Responses Nov 29, 2012

you give him HelloSpy to understand his kids more to close with them more

I am a mother of 5 children and a victim of parental alienation. I have a lot of pain as if death has occurred. I really don't know how I've been able to cope but I will tell you that I have a man in my life that is 100 percent supportive and I go to therapy once a week. You are giving your heart to this man but he is choosing not to accept your support. He needs to understand that while yes his children are his life, you are too. You must be a really strong person to stay with him only to feel rejected when you are only trying to support him and help him. I also text and call my children only to get no response and feel rejected and hurt but I don't let that stop me from doing it. My children know I love them and I always have an open heart and door for them. Sometimes I feel that is all I can do. One day they will grow up and know the truth and also live their own life. Your fiance must live his own life too..with you. If he truly wants to spend the rest of his life with you then it seems to me he needs to start acting like it. I understand nobody can take the hurt away, but he is not being fair to you. You are trying to be supportive and he is not listening. I would suggest to him that he seeks counseling for his pain caused by parental alienation and that he might lose you too because of it. Only God understands what I'm going through but if I didn't have a wonderful man in my life to help me through it, I would just die. Your fiance must take steps to heal the ongoing pain in his heart and start living his life with the hope of reuniting with his children. God bless you for your loving heart and I pray somehow he can find comfort for his hurting heart through you.

Its the hardest thing in the world to cope without your children. The alienating parent will dedicate his or her life to sabotaging a relationship with the alientated parent (as you well know) I wish I could put you in touch with my fiance so that you know how he copes. I would encourage him to NEVER give up. Call the kids, tell the kids that they are loved so much. Text them, write them letters. Actions speak louder than words. I really encourage counselling individually and for you both. I think he feels hopeless, confused and broken hearted. If the children are old enough perhaps there is some experts who could come in and interveine, maybe a mediator? I'm still battling it out in court, but I know I am prepared to do anything, for as long as it takes so that my Girls know I fought for them.....I feel for you and your family and I wish you the best.

Your fiance must feel very torn. I hope he will see the beautiful and caring woman in his life wants him to be happy!!

However, you are right to feel there needs to be a change. Effectively, the ex is in control of the situation and using the children. This is probably how she treated him while they were married. Control freaks do not give up control until they are stopped!
So I realize it is easy to write things like "you should do this, or that", but in the end, it will most likely need to be taken up in court. Keep records, document everything! Even then it will be difficult.

He may or may not make progress with his children against the alienating parent, but at least he is putting effort there for his children. They might not appreciate it now, but when they are older, I believe they will remember his efforts.
Prayers for you!

And I re-read your post. Be strong and be smart. I purposely have stayed single because i knew it would be unfair to expect any woman to suffer along side of me. I wasn't sure I could make somebody else a priority, so I chose not to find out. I didn't want to ever choose between my children and somebody who deserved 100%. Inherently, your children are your priority, so how could I expect to give somebody else the exclusive consideration they deserved? Maybe I was a cop out, but I have'nt hurt anybody else through it all.

I would like to find somebody, but I don't believe being with someone should define me. You have a heart, and obviously have asked some tough questions. See the signs. If your hurting now, chances are your going to be hurting worse when you commit your life to him and things haven't changed. It's not fair but it is what it is. Listen to your friends family, and others that are close to you. Listen and hear them, but most importantly listen to your inner voice, open your eyes, and think.

And there ya have it. I'm not Dr. Phil, but shooting from the hip, that's my advice. good luck to both of you.

Thank you for your reply. You remind me a lot of my fiance in the fact he is trying to protect me and feels it would be unfair to keep me. First of all no one should have to face what you, he and others have... and most definately no one should have to face it alone. I choose to be here. I love him. My point to him is I know I could find someone who could offer me a less complicated life but there is no guarantee that I will ever find someone that I love as much as I love him. I keep trying to offer encouraging words because I truly believe that his kids will come around once they are from under their mother's control. His son actually told him the other day that he tells his mom what she wants to hear.

So I try to stay strong for the both of us...

I hope You and your fiance can find an end to the heart ache you are suffering from. I really don't know what the best thing to do is. I have made some progress since the courts refuse to buy into my ex's drama. They do not find her credible because she is constantly accusing me. I continued to fight even though I hated every minute of every day while the battle was raging. This fight is by far the most painfull and difficult thing I have ever lived through. Even though my ex has lost in court, and I have some time with my children, she is still working tirelessly to frustrate any effort I make in rebuilding a relationship with my daughters. We were estranged for almost three years while my ex continued to play her cards with the court system.

Hopefully you two have the stamina, support, and resources to fight the good fight. You yourself are personally in a very difficult position. even though you love your fiance, and support him, it will become difficult for you to be exposed to the constant friction. These things tear at the fabric of any relationship. The stress, anxiety, and pain are difficult to deal with, and it takes a strong devoted person to support somebody who is victim to this fight. He will hopefully appreciate your sacrifice also, and realize the burden that exists.

Good luck and prayers to you both.