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My Son

His mom started off small in alienating me and I did not see it until it was to late.  She started with saying negative things about me to him and saying she was scared of me and my temper.(which I do not really have one).  She then started taking time away from me in smal ways like planning things on my time and making me feel bad if I was to say he could not go.  Then she would have him respond to birthday parties on my time and then when I came to pick him up for my weekend she would notify me that he had a party to go to and I had to pick up the present.  Since he is now a teenager she started telling him that it was ok not to want to go to my house and I would understand.  I did because I did not want to be a over demanding dad.  Well was I wrong, when I finally figured out what she was doing it was to late and when I started getting the court involved they really were no help.  I have been trying to see him for the last year and it really hurts! I call and leave messages and email him telling him I love him and let him know what has been going on in my life and end with telling him I miss him. He some times responds but it is always extremely hurtful language and things I would never expect to come from my 14 year old son. 

ImOver00 ImOver00 36-40, M 11 Responses Dec 6, 2008

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I feel your pain. I am a mother and I am have experienced a similar gradual process of alienation. The poisoning began at a young age. It started with extorting custody. Then undermining my parenting efforts. Then the father's family telling my son that I'm not his real mother, that I did not raise him. Then insulting me in front of my child. And eventually at 13 years of age, he has cut off all contact and wants nothing to do with me. I feel partly responsible. If I had taken action earlier, instead of allowing these high conflict personalities (NPD) engage me in constant chronic conflict, this may not have happened. Now, the more I reach out, the farther I get from my son.

I am just realizing my x-is taking away my son. Dad has gotten a restraining order on me and it has been two weeks now. I need input. Everyone's stories are old and I do not want to suffer PAS. My gut says he will do it. He has not poisoned my other two though, but working on it. My son has not called me, I cannot call him. Complete cut off.

You should look up narcissistic personality disorder. It might help. I would respond to those hateful words with I love you and will always love you. Try not to act the same as he is being, that is what your ex wants to prove that she was right. Your son is confused from what he sees from your actions and what he is told. He is being manipulated and it is hurting him making him angry. From my experience court just makes things worse. If you son doesn't what to talk with you just send him a weekly text of how you are thinking of him and love him. That it what I am doing right now and it is very painful not to get a response. I would like to tell him how rude he is being but I know that would be fruitless and my ex would just use it against me.

One thing that alienating parents hate is when you are kind to them when they are just a jerk to you. Once on my child support payment I wrote Merry Christmas in the memo section and when I received the check back after it cleared my bank she had scratched out the Merry Christmas. I always try to send a gift to my son and one for his mom and step dad when I send Christmas gifts, just in case my son will see the gifts for them, that I am not a hateful or vengeful person as she and his step-dad are.

More is caught than Taught. So whatever contact you do have think about how you can impact your child's future.

Oh my gosh this all sounds so familiar, what is wrong with these people that we married and loved, and we get this as a payback because they are bitter for not being responsible for their own actions, "but it is our fault" I also left my husband because he was abusive, left my son in the home because the fight was between husband and wife, and now I am paying for it. I phone my 20 year old who is in University, living 1300 miles from both of us, text, tell him I love him,ask him to please call and send him money for his rent. I ask questions about his life and he reply's with I was busy in the library, "what's up". His father tells me I bicker and just to love him, my ex says that they have discussed this and we have the same thoughts about how hard it is to converse with you!!! He says he sees himself as a glass of water..he is almost full but something is missing to fill the glass. He sees me as an almost empty glass and we want to fill it but you don't let us fill you up. I have been getting professional help to try and sort this out, I'm told just keep being a mom and some day my son will see when he matures. Like all the rest of you, lost years, and it hurts and the pain is unbearable sometimes. Parents who do this between a parent and child are very selfish and have taken a loving parent from there lives.

My God this is all too true - it's happened to me - my ex husband has brainwashed my children against me....luckily I managed to get a court order to see my youngest son, 11, but only once a week (this was meant to be a starting point but one year later it is the same)...he is caught in the middle and a brave and mature little man but he doesnt hug me or tell me he loves me anymore and that kills me. My eldest son, nearly 14, has had a major number done on him and he hates me...won't talk to me, see me and when he does 'communicate' through the odd email or text, he is vile to me - where has my loving boy gone? We were so close....I would never have thought it possible that they could be turned against me like this. And like the above member, people say, give it time, they will come back to you........yeah, when? Its been nearly 2 years and I cant get that back ever. Will it take another 1, 2 or 3 or more years with my eldest son? It kills me...I had to get counselling to learn to live with it. I can do that now and I keep in touch with him even though I get no response and tell him how much I miss him and love him. He has even cut out his grandmother (my mum) from his life and any of my friends. Breaks my heart....I feel like I dont know my own kids anymore

PAS 'is' child abuse. it is also abuse against the alienated parent. i suffer daily trying to understand why this is happening to me. my family suffers around me. i struggle with what steps if any i should take. it is self torture trying to maintain any type of relationship with my son. my heart breaks over and over again after every negative encounter. all i ask him for is to let me love him, is that so difficult? i am his mom and 13years ago he was my first born and i dedicated the rest of my life to loving, raising and caring for him and he is turning it all away now. i consider myself a strong and optimistic person but this takes a great toll on one's faith. hope dwindles and diminishes in the wake of lies and accusations made against me. they say to be patient and things will work out....how long will that take? "they" don't know what i endure....... 6 weeks is too long to be without my son....6 months has been torture....6 years will pass in no time and then what? will we know each other at all by then?

Your post really hit home. I am a mom going through exactly the same thing with my son and I am DEVASTATED. Wondering where your relationship stands now?

I am in the same situation - my ex put me through years of emotional abuse and I lost all confidence and self respect- when I finally managed to escape I wasnt strong enough to see he tricked me - got me out of the house to stay with my Dad who was poorly - then changed the locks on me and set about poisoning my 10 and 12 yr old - 2 yrs later - my eldest contacts me every few months and then goes silent again. My youngest who was inseparable from me - cant even look at me or speak to me. I am lost without them - but fortunately have found a very special person who keeps me fighting and going - when I want to give up! Good days and bad and then crappy days. Im terrified of losing them forever. I hate the dreams where I am searching for them and never find them - it makes me dread going to sleep. My ex kept everything in the house, bagged my few clothes in bin bags and left me with all the debts and loans. Nice!!

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to know I'm not alone. My ex had me so unsure of my mental stability that I've spent the last few years trying to figure out where I went wrong. I finally understand that I just didn't recognize what was going on until it was too late. *hugs*

When are WE the Alienated parent going to stop this madness!!<br />
PAS- IS CHILD ABUSE<br />
<br />
www.jordanbump.blogspot.com

I know the pain. My ex uses religion as his weapon of choice. Im with a female partnet and every thing was finr until he and his new wife. Now my boys call me all kinds of choice words. They are onl12 and 9. They really hate me, no matter what i say or do. I should have seen it coming, but like you I didn't want to cause more damage. And no the courts don't help and i've run out money!! People and experts say I just have to wait to till they are older and can make their own choices. Im sorry for what your going thru, but there is hope somewhere out there.

Well...it can happen to women too. It happened to me. Most likely it was because of women like your ex-wife. I am sorry and understand what it is like to have a spiteful spouse take your babies away. There is no pain worst. Hopefully, your son will figure out who is the real bad guy here. You did nothing wrong to deserve something as horrible as this. I really hope the best for you.

By all means contiue to communicate. My ex took my son to the opposite coast whe he was two I saw him twice before he was 18. In all those years I called when I cuold, wrote often and emailed. Sometimes he was hostile. Sometimes I cuoldn't get past the ex. But thorugh it all he knew I was always there. Now he's twenty five, and lives near me. Can't change the past or make up for those lost years but we have a good solid relationship today. And he is very sensitive to the games people can play, a bit wiser he is than I at his age.<br />
And unfortunately the sourts often seem to have no adequate response. But just keep on.

Thanks for every ones advice and comments. I know from all of my research that he will come around eventually and trust me I do not and will not give up hope for him to come around sooner. <br />
I will keep trying to see my son but with an ex like I have I am pretty much caught between a rock and hard place since the courts really will not help. <br />
I have even now gone as far a filing a contempt of court charge against her and I will see the outcome in Feb. 09.<br />
<br />
Marksmyheart- you note really gives me hope and I appreciate it. <br />
<br />
Sexyangel1989- I am sorry about your loss of your father- I lost my father and mother by the age of 14 and was on my own after that so I know parents and especially fathers are important in your teen years.

I am so sorry. That must be so hard. Unfortunately there are women out there who abuse the system. In my opinion what she is doing is selfish and abusive. She is denying him a relationship with his father. Hang in there. There is nothing wrong with MAKING him spend time with you. Eventually he will see the real you and not the image she has created for you. By going along with the current arrangement you are letting her get away with this!! Keep insisting on seeing your son. You are awesome for keeping up contact with him. It may hurt that you don't get a good response but you will not regret it in the long run. Eventually he will grow up and be able to figure things out for himself. You don't want him to be able to say that you gave up on trying to be his Dad. Keep in mind too, that he is a teenager and he would probably treat you like crap even if you had a great relationship with him. :) Once he gets old enough, like 17 or 18, be honest with him about what his mom has been doing (keep it respectful) and explain that you want a relationship with him. When he gets old enough and mature enough, he'll respond. It breaks my heart when I read things like this. There are so many dead beat dads out there and here you are trying to do the right thing and she's sabotaging you. Some day your son will figure out the truth and she will regret all of this!