Convoluted Contemplation Of My Dad's Suicide

It was a little over a month ago...I'll never forget that day. I'm 17, and have always had a super close relationship with my Dad. We were buds, we got one another, we had the same sense of humor, the same passiveness, the same optimism, and the same appreciation. Well, the reason we shared those traits is because he gave them to me. He was always on a pedestal in my mind, he never got angry or upset or yelled, he was a calm and rational person. He was an incredible human being...I admire him so much. However, like many people with complex issues, he wore a mask. He wore one of the thickest and most intricate masks possible, so thick that I never really knew any of his internal problems. Now that I can see things from an outside perspective, I can now see that it was abnormal of him not to share his problems; that's why I thought he was perfect, because he never had a complaint or issue. However, obviously he had a multiplicity of issues going on inside of him.

He always picked me up from school. On Tuesday, April 17th, (Tax day) I texted him my normal text telling him to pick me up, but *no reply.* (That's kind of punny because he loved the Beatles). Anyways, I called him and still no answer. My Mom then picked me up on her way home from work, and we were both extremely worried because it was so out of the ordinary. Once we saw his Ford Ranger still in the driveway, we knew something was wrong. We searched all over the house for him, things looked somewhat normal. His coffee mug where it always was, the bed unmade, etc. Finally, my Mom went into the garage, and I heard the most intense shriek I'd ever heard. "NATALIE! NATALIE!" I went downstairs to the garage, my Mom bustling out of the door shouting, "HE'S DEAD! HE SHOT HIMSELF!" I couldn't believe it, I still can't. It's still so shocking, so bewildering... I would have never imagined him dying before I graduated high school, let alone him being the cause of his own death. We then called my Grandpa and he came over and called 911 for us. There were several police and investigators swarming around our house for the next four hours, and a priest lady came and was trying to have meaningless conversations with us while the investigators were examining the scene right below us. Yeah, because your silly trip to England is what I want to talk about when my Dad just died. Anyways, I'm actually shaking as I write this because I haven't thought about that horrid moment in quite awhile. For the past three weeks after that debacle, I put my true grief on hold and was more distracted with trying to catch up socially and academically. But now, a month later, it's all finally hitting me...and I feel that true numbness and emptiness now. I just miss his presence...his good nature, our humorous banters back and forth. I miss him reading the newspaper while I worked on homework in our living room. Even though there was no interaction, just his presence is so reassuring and delightful....and now that's gone. Forever. At least physically. I'm happy that I have a good perspective and am a strong person, because if this had happened even a few months ago before I truly developed my identity and strength, I don't know how I could begin to overcome it. I miss him so much, I just can't believe he did that. I guess it shows that you'll never truly know a person, no matter how close you are with them. ♥
nattownsend nattownsend
18-21, F
May 19, 2012