My Head Is So Messed Up

First of all I don't know why I'm writing this, I just feel like I need someone to listen to me for a change I suppose.


It was 1998 and I was 7 years old, My mum had moved me, my younger brother, my younger sister and the dog to my Gran's with her, because my dad had obtained an alcohol problem and had turned violent toward her. Which in my eyes was a brilliant decision made by her and shows lots of bravery in my eyes. As I was only 7 at the time I didn't know what was exactly going on but I had a vague idea because I was a bright kid. The night that stays in my head, like a memory that stains my mind, is the night of the phone call to tell my mum that my dad was dead. Me, my mum, gran, granddad and my younger brother were sat in the front room of my Grans house watching the news. I was playing with some building blocks making a cup holder for some reason. When the phone rang. My granddad answered it. He stayed calm on the phone even while my Gran and my mum were constantly asking him in the background "Who is it?" My Granddad put the phone down and look towards my mum. "That was M****lm, G****n's dead" he said. My mum and brother burst into tears, then my Gran started crying. My gran was saying "Please don't cry C******e, it's making me cry and it's not good for me." My granddad was trying to comfort my brother and mum. I stared blankly from where I was sat on the floor looked at them and continued with my building blocks. I knew exactly what the situation was, but I was angry. I was angry that my dad would make my mom cry like that, I was angry because it was suicide so she didn't have to cry like that he made it happen. 

His funeral was the day before my birthday, April 29th. This would be my last time to say goodbye. I had asked to see the body, but my uncle said no, it would be too upsetting for me. There was a song my aunty had suggested was played at the funeral, mine and my dad's song, but again my uncle had said it would be too upsetting. When I was told this I couldn't help but think what place is more fitting than a funeral to be upset, but I understand that he was just trying to protect me. I can remember the coffin being lowered into the ground and there not being a dry eye around, apart from my own. i felt i had to be strong and be there for everyone, also I still didn't want to cry for him. Later on I had lots of relatives coming up to me all saying the same phrase "your'e the man of the house now." A councilor later told me that this was probably the most ridiculous thing you could tell an 8 year old, but either way it was true.

I had to grow up quite quickly after this event and start taking on my role as 'man of the house' my mum suffers with learning difficulties so I did take on quite a large responsibility, my younger brother was a hard job as well because he couldn't understand that I had his best interests at heart and we would argue a lot. My younger sister was easy as she was only 2 when it all happened she knew nothing of what happened. I don't know if she even remembers our dad and when I ever have to think of a moment to make myself sad, that is what I think of, that she will never know her dad. I, not longer after funeral, developed quite bad depression and severe anxiety, I didn't know what this was and only realized I suffered from this when i was around 16 years old. This effected my attendance at school but I still managed to obtain good grades even though i was working through my exams as well. I then went onto further education, but ended up dropping out half way through, because of my depression and anxiety, and I went to work full time. I liked this because it meant I could help my mum out with financial issues. I soon came to realize after a promotion that I hated the job I was doing so I tried to see if I could apply to university on the qualifications I had. Luckily I did and I was accepted, the only problem was this meant moving away from home and leaving my family behind. This should have been an amazing experience for my Mum having her oldest son be the first in the family leave to go to university, but i never got a 'I'm proud of you from her, or from my dad obviously. I just got "I don't want you to go, this really tugged on my heart strings, It left me riddled with guilt. I went anyway because I knew it was for the greater good. I'm doing well, in my first semester I got the highest grades on my course. Ive got myself a girlfriend who is amazing and I love to pieces, lots of new good friends. But I still can't help but feel down and seems to be getting worse, I don't want to attend my lectures anymore, I'm never truly happy, can't stop thinking of my dad everyday, more so all the time and can't help but worry about family. I know i should continue with what am I doing but I just don't know if it's the right thing anymore!!

mcvicyc mcvicyc
18-21, M
2 Responses Feb 22, 2010

my dad just killed himself a month ago yesterday....... and i can honestly say nobody knows how you feel unless they go through it. i feel like it would be easier if he wasnt such a great dad. he was constantly telling me how proud he was of me and would drive an hour just to make sure i had a ride home from work at night and that i was nt in the car with my alcoholic mother. i ve never been through anything so terrible in my life and feel like every happy moment in my life will just feel like something is missing. i feel like its getting worse than when it happened and have an amazing boyfriend who i love very much but everything reminds me of my dad and i m just miserable i never want to go to class either knowing how important it was to him that i'm the only person in our family that attended a university is the only thing that makes me go : / i know exactly how you feel im just miserable. and i keep thinking about it more and more

Holy crap....your mom did the right thing...your dad did the wrong. Forgive him and move on. We are all flawed.