Forgiveness, But I Have What-ifs..

My parents divorced when i was 5. I saw my father maybe once a year after that until i was 12. In 7th grade, 4 days before my birthday, i came home & mother told me my father had died of alcoholism, that in fact he'd been one my whole life. This was the first i'd heard of it. I DIDN'T CRY. I went to my room and that was that. Of course, my life when to the gutter after that...i am attractive and dove head first into the boys' attention.
I have never been mad at my father. I've always been blessed with wisdom, and the ability to put myself in anyones shoes, to understand their experiences. I understand that everyone has battles, and not everyone wins.
Looking back, i think about "what-if" he's lived. I see now that i am absolutely like my father. I live with my mother and brother, who are exactly alike, and i sort of stick out. I wonder what it'd have been like, growing up with a parent who understood me, and who i could turn to when i needed advice from a like-minded adult. He was brilliant, had a great job, was talented. I got so many attributes from him...personality, temper, art, athleticism, music, & so many more. I wish i knew what he was like as a child. I wish i had more picture of him. I wish i was involved with his side of the family.
My mother has been so strong, and i have everything to be thankful for in life. I just mourn for the loss of a good man who lost the fight with his demons. I love him, and always will.
In memory - December 2004.
UniquePetite UniquePetite
18-21, F
Dec 9, 2012