I Miss Him So Much

Every now and then, on nights like tonight, I wish to God with all my soul that I could just hug him one more time.

I know it's because his death anniversary just passed. I know it's because I went to mass today and they announced a special prayer request for him, my abuela (grandma), and my abuelito (grandpa).

I was looking through photos of my cat to print out for a tiny picture frame when I stumbled upon a photo of both of my parents lying next to each other. The room was filled with light. I remember that moment when I stood at the foot of the bed and saw both of my parents lying in bed, their knees comfortable bent.

I remember how I stopped in my tracks, watched them there, and thought, "One day, I won't be able to see both of my parents lying in bed like this again." I'd never see them taking afternoon naps like that, the way they'd done in what seems like their whole lives together. I took the photo.

It's simple. I could see the dust on my father's black socks, his jogging pants, the dark spots on his legs. I see the silver nail polish on my mom's nails, how they lay comfortably amongst pillows, the blankets kicked to the side like it may have been a warm day.

I see my father's rifles beside the bed, between the night stand and the mattress. It's so normal to me.

I'm in college now, living away from home. Nothing is the same as it used to be. It kills me seeing my dad's thinning hair from the cancer and chemo, his oxygen tube, but at least I know he was still alive. He almost seems in pain even as he sleeps, but I love him anyway. I love him with his weakened body, his lost muscle, I love him even though he was too sick to work and I know it hurt him.

I don't often have the courage to look or listen, but I pulled up a video of my dad talking to my mom about how he met her. I miss the way he smiles. I miss the way he'd joke with her.

I'm choking up with tears just writing this. When I see photos of him, I just want to reach out and stroke the paper, touch my computer screen as if it'll bring me close to him, and that last time I kissed his cheek before he died two years ago.

His death anniversary is December 11th, and I'll never forget that day.

I miss him so much.

Every now and then, I stay up like this, late into the night, and I cry my eyes out. The pain just wells up inside me, and for those moments, I feel like I'd give anything in the world just to hug him again, to hear his heart beat, to hear his jokes, his laugh, to kiss his cheek, to tell him how much I love him.

When I go to church, that's all I pray for. That he's happy, with God. I ask God to please, please tell my dad that I love him, because I know it always meant so much to him to hear me say it.

I love you, Dad. I can't believe it's been 2 years. It feels like I've been hurting for so much longer.

I miss you. I miss everything about you. Please come back...

I'm trying to be strong, but I want you here beside me again. You were my inspiration, my pillar of strength. You weren't perfect, but you meant the world to me... Please, please, please... It hurts so much, and these days I wonder--I'm so afraid--if I might be losing Mom soon...
CatLotus CatLotus
18-21, F
4 Responses Dec 18, 2011

I understand more than you know and i feel the same way. By the way you are a wonderful writer, very creative and flowing my dear. <br />
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I undertand all your feelings, just lost mom on nov 14, will never forget that day. The smell of the hospital, all of it. She was 87, i am older than you probably your moms age, but your writing stood out to me and i shared the same passion about the death of my mom, she was everything to me my best friend, etc. I am alone in NJ now may leave go somewhere new again, but i miss her scottish accent and the love she had for me.<br />
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I will pray for both of us for light, healing and future blessings, but you are right nothing will ever be the same again. I just found that out. Hopefully we can love and laugh again, but the void the ache is there. I am in the middle of a masters degree also online, i miss the classroom and find it lonely studying all line. I have a B.A. in sociology from Calif state U in northern Calif. Where do you live? Debbie

I miss my dad, too. He died a little over two years ago from cancer. I was with him at home when he took his last breath. It feels like forever since I seen him or heard his voice. I had a voicemail saved on my phone that he left when he was dying and my mom and I were taking care of him. I had my number changed and I lost it. They never warned me I'd lose it. I miss him.

Always remember he is inside you. You can close your eyes and see and hear him.<br />
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Yes there are times I would love to hold my parents or my wife, but they have successfully completed life and graduated.<br />
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Remember everything they did with you.

Such a touching story. My dad was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago. Watching his battle with cancer has been heartbreaking, and it has forever changed me as a person. Although he gave it a good fight, treatments stopped working, and we were told nothing else could be done. I've cried everyday for the past 8 months. His body is getting so weak, and I know his time is getting very near. He has excepted his fate, and he's ready to go to a better place. He's tired of being so sick. But he's my daddy and I want to keep him here with me. I love him so much, and I can't imagine life without him. I pray for the strength to get through this.