My Dad Just Died From Cancer

My dad died 5 days ago. He had cancer and had been battling it for 18 months. My dad used to be a super fit guy and from that to losing him in 18 months has completely devastated me and my family.
He had rectal cancer which was found through a routine check up. So it was like a nightmare when they first found a lump which in the next appointment it was confirmed to be a tumour which turned out to be cancerous which turned out to have spread to both sides of the liver. It took numerous doctors visits to get the final prognosis with each visit ending in the worst possible outcome. That few weeks is still a blur. I cried for days. I always thought before this that when people found out they had cancer, it was because they were sick and also they would know straight away how bad it was.
From the beginning, the doctors already said that there was unlikely to be any cure, it had spread too far. They just wanted to slow down the growth and prolong my dads life for as long as possible. We all read the statistics and although they were grim, we focused on the positive, 20% chance of making it past 2 years, 3% chance of a cure. I was desperate for anything. I prayed, I cried, I read all the alternative treatments and miracle cures. My dad battled it, he went through chemo, surgery and hit it with everything he could. He kept positive although it really took its toll on his body. The chemo was gruelling and made him sick. He went through a round every 3 weeks at first. The first week was terrible, he would be vomitting and feel so weak and sick he couldnt leave the house. But the next 2 weeks, we had our old dad back. But each round would make him more and more weak until his sick week turned into two, then into three. The chemo was becoming less and less effective and his markers were rising like crazy. The doctors increased his chemo to every 2 weeks and by this time, he never left the house except to go to the hospital and spent most of his time in bed feeling sick. It was distressing to watch him go through that. I would see him every day and be as positive as I could then drive home sobbing.
4 weeks ago the doctors told him to give the chemo a rest. They said he needed to recooperate and get his energy back. They were being kind to him. We know it was because it was not working anymore. He stayed at home but remained sick and increasingly weaker and weaker. 3 weeks ago, he skin became more and more yellow. He was so tired and although he said he wasnt in pain, he was uncomfortable. He was depressed.
2 weeks ago he developed a rash on his legs and arms. His abdomen seemed slighly swollen and his legs a bit too. My mum tried to get him to go to the hospital but he didnt want to. She finally managed to persuade him to go for a check up the next day. He was admitted immediately. I was at work when I found out and rushed to see him, crying all the way. I knew that he didnt have much longer.
He was put on strong pain killers and for 2 days his spirits were high. I was so happy and remember those 2 days so well. We talked about his life and he really seemed comfortable and back to normal. It lulled me into a false sense of security. He seemed ok, in fact he seemed better than he had been for months.
We spoke to the doctor who although was kind, he told me my father had weeks to months to live. I was shocked. He still seemed ok, not like he was about to die.
By day 3 my dads mood started to go down again and he became tired. It carried on like this each day for 11 days getting worse and worse each day. My dad died 11 days later.
I am grieving. I am still in shock, I feel exhausted all the time but find it hard to sleep for long and I just feel so agitated but I dont know what to do. I am not ready to write about the night my dad died although that is what keeps running through my mind all day. When my thoughts go back to happier times, I feel this huge wave of loss and pain and I start crying again. I miss my dad so much and I just wish he was still alive. I don't understand how this could happen. He was too young and healthy, its not fair. I have so much anger and I hate cancer.
graneger graneger
31-35, F
1 Response Aug 2, 2012

Your Dad sounds like a wonderful Man. A very brave Man.

In your story you said

"I was so happy and remember those 2 days so well. We talked about his life and he really seemed comfortable and back to normal. It lulled me into a false sense of security. He seemed ok, in fact he seemed better than he had been for months."

Keep remembering those two good days, remember the things you talked about. Remember the looks of love between you and your Dad. Remember, if you can, every last detail that made you so happy.

If I can promise you one thing, it is this! Those happy few days and the memories of them will see you through. It will help you during your darkest times, and when the pain becomes a little more bearable, you will smile when you remember the closeness, security, comfort and happiness you shared with your Dad.

You will find comfort in knowing that at the end, your Dad knew how much you have and always will love him. Just as you know how much your Dad loves you.

Take care.

Thank you Kurlysue.