Flash Backs Of Chemo

It's been 4 months, almost to the day that my dad died. My wonderful dad.
To be honest, I am busy most days and its easy to think that he is just away, overseas working. It seem's almost like it would be no big deal for him to just walk through my door like nothing ever happened. Work is the same, I have the same busy day juggling work and my little kids.
But just now, I watched a tv show and it had a story line on cancer. Its been playing for some time now and although I felt sad, I was ok with it. Until today when the character goes for chemo. That scene just took my breath away. The bags of toxic drugs covered with plastic being fed through a drip. The hospital chairs, the rows of other cancer patients in chairs doing the same thing. Everthing was the same. It brought me back to sitting there with my dad. I can see him, lying there, feeling nauseous. Session after session, they pumped his body full of poison. It made his arm go numb and ache. His feet and hands got very dry and dark with discolouration. I know he really hated that, he said it made his feet look dirty. It was long, each session lasting about 3 hours, not to mention the checks before and doctor appointment after, it took from early morning until mid afternoon. My dad would see the same other patients each time too, as I suppose they were on the same rota too. Every 2 weeks. Every Tuesday. Blood test Monday and chemo Tuesday. After the chemo, my parents would head for something to eat and try enjoy the rest of the day as the following few days would be gruesome. My dad would be in bed, sick to the stomach with severe nausea, dizziness and diarhea. It would last for days, with only around 6 days of just feeling ok before the next session began. But over the course of a year, those 6 days decreased slowly until my dad never got out of bed, except to go for chemo. His days were tiring, painful and he felt so very sick. I didn't know what to do watching him like that. Who knew what to do.
When my dad was diagnosed, he was a healthy man from outward apperances. No obvious symtoms, no weight loss, nothing really. It was only through a routine health check that they found a tumour. Finding out it was Stage 4 Cancer was horrific. He was never the same after his diagnosis. He tried to be strong and was so strong for the sake of all of us but the fear and sadness was evident. I could sense it. And it got worse as the days went by. It was like a huge shock that just took something away from him that day and it never came back.
The weight loss at the end felt like tearing pieces from me. We all watched helplessly as his body slowly began to fail on him. He watched it too, I cant describe how much pain that brought me and still brings me. My strong dad was suddenly so small, his face, his collar bones, his arms and legs. His voice, so raspy and soft. And he looked scared watching himself just just waste away.
He was very dignified and remained so until the end. His strength and selflessness has suprised me. He did so much for me and my brothers and I never knew the half of it. I still don't.
I miss my father, I miss him so much that I ache. My memories seems to just jump from seeing him during those last few months, still fighting so hard and times when I was younger and my strong invincible dad was there. He used to put me to bed each night, patting my leg and going ssshhh. It was so soothing but he always fell asleep first and I would creep outside and tell my mum. He was always so strict and tough but would soften with me, I knew being the only girl, he had a soft spot for me. I remember his smell and how strong he was. My dad was my hero and I honestly worshipped him. I miss his face, his voice, his advice. He knows everything. I wish I could hold his hand and hug him. I just wish I could re-live some of those simple times that are now so precious to me but I just took for granted. I miss him so much, I just wish I could tell him how grateful I am for everything he has done, everything I know and everything I am realising he did. I love him so much and he is my inspiration and I look up to him. No one can match him and I want to make him proud. He was the best father I could have ever been blessed with and I am so grateful for him. I miss you Dad.
graneger graneger
31-35, F
Nov 26, 2012