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After Three Years I'M Still Missing My Dad

My father was my best male friend, he taught me to drive, taught us family values and was always happy. He was 92 when he died but he was very healthy. He took no meds and except for eating fish he was a vegetarian. We live in the country and have a little over an acre of land and until he began his radiation treatments he did all the work himself. Then he had a tooth ache and we went to the dentist who promptly pull the tooth. He got a partial and soon the tooth it was hooked on started hurting too and it got pulled too and his partial got adjusted to add the new missing tooth. When another tooth started hurting I told his dentist that it didn't seem right that Dad kept having pain and I wanted a specialist to see him. He referred him to a surgeon who diagnosed a small cyst and removed it on the spot and also scape the area and did a biopsy. Turned out to be cancer in the jaw but supposedly it was a very slow type of cancer and he believed to have caught it all. As a precaution my father received radiation treatments which burned the side of his face, and the whole inside of his mouth making it impossible to eat and so they had to stop the radiation after 12 treatment of the 30 he was supposed to receive. My father could no longer eat solid food and so I puree everything so he could sip it with a straw although he was in a lot of pain. That so supposedly slow moving cancer was not supposed to kill him...he was going to die of old age first. Not so. My father died five months after he was diagnosed. My father was a good man, the best father, good husband and good grandfather. Why did he have such a painful death? He and Mom were bedridden at the same time for a few months and after he died I didn't have time to mourn because I still had my bedridden Mom to care for 24/7. Sad to say Mom died 9 mos ago at 103 yrs of age and now all of a sudden I have the time to mourn and it seems overwhelming.

I still have all my Dads' things except for a few things I gave to my brother-in-law and my nephews and also have my Moms' things which I'm not ready to even touch. I have all this time on my hands and don't know what to do with it. My friends slowly drifted away because I just didn't have the time to go out with them and socialized and they just didn't know what to do or say. Now, I just want to be alone, don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone except that my sister practically drags me to take her shopping and out for lunch using the excused that she doesn't drive and her husband can't take the time off from their business. She gives me the guilt trip if I tell her I can't but I know she's just trying to keep me from being depress and I am grateful.

I miss taking walks with my Dad and our long talks, helping him with the minor repairs in both his house and mine. Or, just hanging out with him and Mom watching TV. Taking them to the Mall where we would sit and eat cornbread with coffee or eat something light. Dinner always had to be at home because they didn't like restaurant food. My parents had good long lives and I always knew this day would come. I thanked God when he took Dad because he was in such pain and now he's resting. Mom died of complications from pneumonia and respiratory distress due to incompetent hospital care and I also thank God when He took her because it was so painful to watch her trying to breath and couldn't get enough air. But I still wasn't ready to let go. I'm giving myself a year to mourn for them both my way. Right now I'm looking for one of those volunteer groups where you go away and help built something or help people away from family and well meaning friends who keep telling me what a good daughter I was and how I earned a place in heaven. I don't know what I want to hear but it isn't that. Sorry for the long story but I guess I just needed to tell someone even if it's in the virtual world of the internet.
RosaTropical RosaTropical 66-70, F Feb 12, 2013

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