My Story
Posted August 30th, 2008 at 6:02PM
I lost my Dad to cancer one month ago today. He was diagnosed in April after a week long stay in the hospital with colon cancer that had spread to his liver. He made it very clear that he didnt want any treatment at all. The doctors gave him six to eight months to live.
He was constantly medicated. Every two hours or as needed. Sometimes it never helped and he could barely get out of bed, some days he said he felt okay, and some days he self medicated just so he could have a decent day.
It was really hard to come to terms with the fact that he didnt want any treatment. Liver cancer doesnt respond well to most treatments, and even with a transplant, he wouldnt live beyond five years. I offered to give him a piece of my liver if we were a match, but he never entertained the idea.
I couldnt bear the thought of losing him... His father (my Grandpa) died in April 2007. He was diagnosed a few months earlier with lung, liver, and bone cancer. My Dad took it really hard. It was one of the only things I ever remember him crying about. My Moms mom (my Gram) died six months later... and to be honest, that whole situation bothers me so bad. She went into the hospital with severe stomach pain, and the condition they said she had required surgery. They put her on antibiotics and sedated her. She died October 17, 2007, six months after having a stroke. Within two days of my Grandpa dying, my Gram had a stroke. She was doing so good. She even got to leave rehab early because she improved so much. I feel like her death could have been avoided, but, I feel the same way about that as I do with my other family. It hurts, but she is happier and much better off.
My Dad and my boyfriend and I would camp out in my aunts backyard (he moved in with her after he was diagnosed. she made him happy while he was there) and one time, he said to me that he never in a million years thought he had cancer, that it never crossed his mind. But he was clear he didnt want any treatment and after a doctors appointment in the beginning of July, even the doctors said treatment wouldnt be worth it, and he had five to seven months left.
Towards the end of July, he took a turn for the worse. Hospice brought in a hospital bed and he couldnt get up. My boyfriend and I were sasving money at the time for an engagement ring. We talked about it, and it was important that we had my Dads blessing. So one day before we went to see him, we put some money down on a ring. He was so happy for us. Ever the bargain hunter, I knew we would get a $100 discount if we paid off the ring by the end of the month. We were flat broke but we got the money we needed in three days.
My Dad was annointed and read his last rights on Sunday afternoon. That night, he was admitted to the hospital. They had to drain his abdomen, because his liver was shutting down, and the fluid was building up. They got about three liters of fluid from his abdomen. I thought for a minute this was something he would recover from, but when I saw him I knew- this was it. He was heavily sedated, so I sat at his bedside, holding his hand and cried.
That night, it was decided that my brother, my Dads girlfriend, and i would stay the night. We left in the evening to see if we could sleep a bit before we came back. When I said goodbye to him and told him Id be back later and that I loved him, he was listening, and he mouthed back "I love you too".
That night was the worst of my life. It will haunt me until the end of time. They had to put a catheter in, because he was going to be kept sedated, but he got upset when he woke up and had to use the bathroom but couldnt move. It is killing me to have to think about this, but when the nurses were putting the catheter in, he woke up, and nobody was in the room but the nurses. My brother and my Dads girlfriend walked away, but I couldnt stand to leave because they tried to put a catheter in earlier, but they had to stop because it was hurting him. Well this time, I stood outside the door, and I heard him yelling clearly "Come on guys, please, you're hurting me." I have never heard him plead for anything like that before, and I will never forget it. I can hear it loud and clear as if he is in my ear saying it. I completely broke down in the hospital. When I got home that morning, I couldnt get it out of my head- I couldnt sleep. I sat on my floor shaking and repeating what I heard him say. I felt so guilty for not stopping them from hurting him and I kept imagining how terrified he must have been, waking up with no family around, being tortured. They even tied his arms down so he couldnt do anything to protect himself. That night will follow me forever and I feel so horrible for not doing anything to help, or at least being there for him, to try and tell him it was okay. I felt like I had abandoned him when he needed me most, and I will never forgive myself.
The next morning, my Mom and my aunt went and removed his restraints and made it very clear that he was not to be restrained. They were supposed to keep him sedated so he didnt wake up and have to be restrained. He just wanted to leave. When he did wake up, he would say "Get me the **** out of here" and try to rip his iv out, get up, and leave.
My brother and my uncle stayed with him that night. When I got there the next morning, his breathing had gotten worse and his blood pressure was dropping. everyone knew that that was going to be his last day. The nurses from the hospital were all jerks, but the Hospice nurses and doctors were some of the nicest, sweetest people Ive ever met. The Hospice doctor said that he was "actively dying" and that it could be minutes or hours. The only reason, they said, that he was still alive was that he was so young (only 49) and he still had a lot of fight in him.
So I went back in the room, sat at his side, holding his hand. I told him that it was okay, that he could go in peace, that he didnt have to fight anymore for our sake. The Hospice nurse came in and said his kidneys were failing, and by then it was only a little while longer. His breathing became more and more labored, and there was fifteen (yeah fifteen) people in the room crying as I told my Dad it was okay, that he could go, that Grandpa was waiting for him.
I was holding his hand when he passed away. I know when people used to say to me "Oh, they are happy now, much better off" I thought to myself "Yeah, okay (even though I believed it, I was just too hurt). But I didnt know hurt until I saw what my Dad was going through, and I felt an eerie peace in my heart when he passed, like I know somehow that this was the best thing. He died July 30, 2008 at 12:15 pm. I didnt leave his side until almost three pm. I couldnt bear to leave his side.
My engagement ring was sized and ready to be picked up the day after he died.
This is by far, the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I miss him so much. He will always be my Big Bad Dad and I will always be his Sweet Melissa. I try to do things the way he would have done them, live the way he lived. He always had so much fun, and he was always laughing. He never wanted me to be sad, and I know hes watching me cry my eyes out as I type. Usually that is enough to make me feel better, just knowing that he wouldnt want me to be sad, but seeing this horrible ordeal written out on this page is killing me. Im so lost without him in my life.
I have a lot more to write, but I cant do it right now.
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i love your story i cried as i read it... my dad died july 11th at 10:28 in the moring i never got a chance to say good by my dad fought to the end too he was only 57 .. he had cancer too i watch him slowly dying as all his magor organs was shuting down he fought with the nurses to because he wanted to do things by him self ... thats was the first time i seen my dad cry is when they told him he had cancer .... i never seen him so hopeless but he never complain i guess because he didnt want to see his kids sad but he was in alot of pain i cry everyday because i miss my daddy i want him back... the last thing i said to my dad before he got on the machine was i love him with all his might he managed to say i love u back ..... i feel like i should have been at the hospital more with him i didnt know the cancer was gonna kill him so fast it was only out side his colon and a little bit on his liver so i thought he was gonna live... but i was wrong the cancer spread so fast to all his organs his body and his eyes turned yellow from his liver not working his legs swelled up like balloons and his skin was so soft u can leave your prints on him .... it was sad to see him like that so i didnt like to go that much man do i regrat that.... and im kinda mad at my mother because after he died she had him creamated so i never really had a chance to see my dad to say good bye if he can hear i want him to know that im sorry and i love him and i cant wait to see him to be his daughter again... god bless u i know what u going threw
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god bless u melissa.........i could not imagine the pain you went through. I understand how that was the hardest day of your life, it was just hard for me just to read, as i sat here crying. I worked in the hospital and i know some of those a--hole nurses can be that way... i would always hear patients screaming your hurting me, since i would have to pick them up and take them for sugeries, i would help them and do whatever i could for them to feel better. I know thats gotta be crushing....but he's happy with his dad now, and he's looking after you and your brothers and im sure you made him proud when you took his ashes everywhere he wouldve wanted them.
Just remember if you need someone to talk to, im always willing to listen :) -
Thank you so much. Ugh, those damn nurses... If I ever meet any of them in a dark alley, it wont be pretty. The nurses from Hospice were all very nice, though. The nurses were bad when my Gram was in the hospital, too. My Ma actually filed a lawsuit. My fiances mom is a nurse, and you already know how I feel about her. I just cant even bear to think about it because I just know she is one of those horrible nurses. Its so sad.
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hi. You're story made me cry but its okay to cry. I lost my mom when I was fourteen years old and it was hard getting through the happenings. still is. miss her alot. best thing to do is talk about him, never forget him. keep him alive in heart. talk to him when times are rough. great story.
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Im so sorry about your mom. I know, it is still very hard. Lately I have been having a lot of dreams about him dying all over again, different place each time.
I guess Ive been stupid about the whole thing, I dont like to talk about it or even think about it. It doesnt work, because Im almost always on the verge of tears.
Again, Im sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing. -
As I read your story....You have touched my heart. I do understand all the feelings and emotions that you wrote about and how you feel!! Biggie ((((HUGGS))))
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Cancer sucks...flat out. My wife was diagnosed at 37...stage iv...still living a decent life though we keep getting bad news. Just found out it's in her lungs and liver after breast, bone and brain. It's scary.
I'm sorry about your dad. You clearly love him a lot. And he is clearly still with you...not physically which hurts...but in your mind and heart. That's cool.
Good luck and congrats on the engagement! -
Thanks, peedeedog. ((Hugs back))
Andy, Im so very sorry about your wife. My Grandpa had lung, liver, and bone cancer when he died. I had never seen my Dad so upset.
In a way, after seeing what my Dad went through, Im glad he died when he did. Sounds harsh, but nobody wanted him to get any worse. He's not suffering anymore, and thats a relief to everyone.
I still dream about him a lot, usually him dying over and over again. Everytime I think I dont need to take something to sleep, the dreams start. Ill take something for a few days, go a night without, have a good dream about him, and a few days off, then back to the same. Its exhausting.
Anyways, thanks for the comments! -
I cried as I read this, even though I cant empathise with what you went through, I still feel an overwhelming sadness but also a slight happiness as he had someone by him in his last moments, making sure he was ok even when he wasnt. All my heart and soul goes to you right now and I do honestly hope that you feel better. My girlfriend recently lost her Grandad who was a stubborn man, wouldnt take medication, but died a proud mans death, he was always making sure the family were ok and that they needn't worry, it was a natural thing. Everytime I see her, it hurts because its like she lost a part of herself with him, a part she longs for that nobody can give back. Ill tell you what I told her.
Remember him for who he was when he smiled at you and said he was proud, not for his last moments. He was a man who truly deserved someone like you around and Im sure everyone can say the same.
My love and hugs go to you for bringing a hardened, uni student to tears =') -
My father passed away September 6, 2007 and me and my brother stayed with him for two weeks before returning home. My sister and mother stayed with him till the end and my mom was with him when he died.
death is one of the most complicated things you can experience. I am glad you were able to talk to him as my father suffered a catastrophic stroke and could not speak. He had LIS (locked in syndrome).
I was able to ask what I needed to ask and heard what I needed to hear.
its my hope that medical professionals will have greater compassion for the dying and their family.
peace to you always
Susan -
I am very sorry for your loss. I just lost my grandmother to colon cancer in November . She suffered for years with it, its very tough to see a loved one die from this. I feel your pain.
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I know EXACTLY how you feel. My dad died last Saturday at 3:17 pm. I was with him all day. He died at home. It was horrible to watch, but I wanted to be with him. He was unconcious for most of it and could barely breath (ever hear of kussmal breathing? It's like panic attack breathing. That's what he was doing.) He had so much cancer in his lungs (not lung cancer, it was just in his lungs) that it was hard for him. I miss him so much.
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I really know how you feel I was with my dad when he passed away from cancer. He was in so much pain. The nurses were suppose to come in and give him morfine every 4 hours. By the time the 4 hours were up he was in so much pain I had to go look for a nurse to come give him another shot " yes I'll be there in a minute" 30 minutes later I was out looking for this nurse again "I'll be right there" By this time he was crying in so much pain I never in my life have every heard my dad complain about anything, but I sat there with him and had to go run down a nurse to keep up with his pain. It would always be over a hour before any of them would bring the shot in. Needless to say I had alot to say each time this would happen. I watched him take his last breath in alot of pain really hard to watch. A year after going through this with my dad my 14 year daughter was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor on Xmas day after my dad passed away. My dad passed away on Dec. 5. My daughter was diagnosed and then I watched her die a slow painful death. She was in a coma for 2 months and I sat by her bed holding her had because when she would come out of her coma a little she would try to pull her IV's out and they would tie her hands to the bed rail. I could not stand for that so I would sit by her bed day and night holding her hand. She began having trouble breathing Dec. 5th 1 year after my dad passed away and then my daughter also died a very painful death on Dec. 8th That was the worse year of my life. Its been 15years and I still have days that I'll start crying when I hear a song on the radio that my daughter liked or I see or hear something that my dad or my daughter enjoyed. I don't know how I made it through these years. I have a son who was 8 at the time and believe me I worry about his health and always telling him be safe and a day does not go by that I don't tell him how much he means to us and that I love him and how proud we are of him. I also have a very loving husband of 34 years that has been there for me and our son all these years. We are now dealing with my 92 year old mother whom has Dementia and thinks I am her mother and cusses me out when she can't drive. She had a stroke about 2 years ago and she blames me for everything that's happened. Her dementia is slowing taking over, but that have to keep her sedated alot because of her anger. I tried to keep her at home with me to care for her, but she would get to mean and throw things and try to walk out to go home (400 miles away) so I had to put her in a locked fac. that care for people with dementia. She won't talk to me now because she's mad at me because I won't let her go home or see her "boy friends" she's not in pain, but boy its really hard to watch her going through this. I feel its also a slow death to watch.... life is like a roller coaster one minute your up on top the next your falling to the bottom...take care everyone also life is short..
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Thank you all so much for the lovely, heartfelt comments. I havent logged on in forever, it was really nice to come back and see these comments. I really didnt want to share my story, too much to think about, but Im glad I did.
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So sorry about your loss, I can't imagine how painful it must have been. I hope you can find happiness now with your new husband.
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I read your story and it touched my heart. I, too, lost my father to cancer. I wasn't able to be with him because his wife kept him from us and wouldn't let us be with him once he was no longer able to care for himself. The anniversary of his death is approaching and I don't feel like I have dealt with my grief. I still cannot believe he is gone. The cancer spread throughout his entire body, yet he never complained. He was always so stoic. Yet I know he was hurting very badly. Daddy, I love you. I always will.
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My father has colon cancer and it's almost the end. I'm scared - just really really scared.
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I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my sister to colon cancer three weeks ago, and life has been very hard. She will be missed so much. Hugs to your and your family.
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Rollingwater- stay with him. It will be so hard, but it will mean a lot to him. I'm so very sorry for what you are going through, I know it's awful.
Thanks to everyone for the kind comments. It has been alost a year since my Dad died, and I have been in a very deep depression lately. I don't want to talk to anyone, do anything, nothing. This is all getting too hard. -
I am so sorry for your loss. You may not feel it yet but your being able to tell this story, in such great and beautiful detail and with such love, is a powerful part of healing. It is pretty clear that your father was a gem. You will never stop missing him but after time, it won't hurt so much to think about. It
Hold on to the love around you, buck up. I'll bet he will be proud of you.
Wrap you in the love blanket -
xlyssajx. I am sorry that your experience of nurses has added to your grief. My own feelings are very different. My grandmother was a nurse, what a love. I spent many hours/days of the last four months, while my best childhood friend lay in the hospital dying after ten years of of pain battling Hodgkins. He was 26. The nurses were some of the best people I have known.
Nursing is a very tough job. Sometimes they have to cause pain to get the job done. As with my friend, they learn to like patients they see all the time. The ones who work with terminally ill, make a lot of friends knowing they will watch them die. The can get pretty thick skinned just to hold it together. Try to walk a mile in their shoes. -
kyosaku- I know that not all nurses are bad, in fact, I met a few who were great, both when my Dad was in the hospital, and when my Mom had her surgery.
However, it is painfully obvious to me the nurses that are only in it for the money (like my MIL). Some of them, like the MIL, definitely don't have a good bedside manner, which makes me think, 'Hmmm... why the hell are you here? Oh, right, the paycheck'. -
This was such a good story. I too cried while reading... I'm sorry about your dad, I can't imagine what it's like to deal with the passing of a family member. I'm grateful you feel some peace about it though.
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Thanks, kleisse. I'm better about it now, I guess. I didn't cry on the one year anniversary, I just drank, hee hee. He would have been proud.
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Melissa, bless you, I can feel how sad you are.. I wish you all the best, and believe that your dad is up there watching you.. :)
I also believe that some day we all meet our loved ones that we lost again..
Thank you for sharing, and God bless you, and your family. -
Thank you, Ykat.
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all the blessings to you and your family. such a sad story. im so sorry that you were forst to go through with that. love
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i am so sorry about your dad. five yrs ago i had liver cancer and was exspected to not make it.
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we all die, when i woke up this morning, i was dying so were you, and me compassion is good . my father died, my mother died, and so shall you, all for good or for bad, for what we think we know were sad . but we will live for all it takes, with all our mistakes, we shall rest, knowing you'll do the best I SHALL DO BETTER!!!!!!
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Hi Mel,We just buried my Dad on the 21st of December 2009. This was after, only three months after being diagnosed. So obviously this Christmas was a very quiet one, it was the fourth night after his burial. I know how it is to actually hear them suffering and the nurses seem to be neglecting them. Like your Dad, my Dad had prepared himself well before he passed on. He has been diabetic for over ten years and it has taken it's toll on his lungs. He was aware that if he had a surgery to remove the tumor around his lungs, he will have a 50% chance of surviving. He lived for 6 days after his surgery and he passed on. We believe that he has gone on to be with the Lord and the thought of that brings comfort to our hearts. After he passed then we realised that the nurses should have kept on dripping him with sodium chloride but they just gave him one pile. But i knew none of this can bring him back. Like you, I loved my Dad very much and we were so close because i was the youngest. i was beside him when his internal organs were failing him. It crushed my heart to be standing helplessly beside him in the hospital and no pain killer/ sedative could ease the pain he was going through.We are coming to terms with his passing and he will always live in our hearts. An advise for you " You should focus on all the happy moments you spent together and i am very sure that those happy moments outnumber the sad ones. Always picture your Dad's smiling face whenever the thought of his pleas fleets through your mind. That is how i have decided to remember him - SMILING"Congrats on the engagement and a future full of happiness.God Bless You, Mel.
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