Missing Him and Memorizing Him At the Same Time

       I never realized how hard it would be not having my father here.  He was a funny, smart, humble, and dedicated man.  He was not perfect by any means,  A man with over 30 years of Alcohol in his blood has many a story to tell.  His love for his children was unconditional.  He always tried to make time for me and my brother.  As a child I remember thinking that he didn't care and he just wanted a show family but as I am older looking back I think I was to hard on him.  He was trying to do it all. And the bottle helped him be able to until it got to be to much.  before he dies he had earned his seven year pin.  He didn't make a big deal out of it but it was a blessing to me I had my father for seven more years. 

      He was 51 when he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer he had surgery and then while recovering they found another tumor this time in his colon that was inoperable.  Medications he was on terminated him.  They caused bleed in his brain which the pressure cut of all function to his body, ie heart which shut down for seven minutes before they could revive him.  He then had no brain wave activity so then our family had to make the never easy decision whether to let hi go or Let him be.( He was a giant Beatles fan) we chose to let it be.  He was only 55 years old and what disturbs me the most that my four year old autistic son will never know what a wonderful and caring grandfather he had.  My Dad was my rock that was always there for me to talk with about all the struggles of raising an autistic child and know I feel like I have no one.  I think back to all the times when I was a child/teenage I was so angry at him for leaving my mom, drinking and always expecting so much from me.  But as I got older I realized he just wanted the best for me and until the last two years of his life he realized my goal wasn't the goal he wanted But was what I wanted  and he then support me through 2 years of school.  I am so happy he was able to see me graduate last may and he said a wonderful speech at my graduation party and those words I will treasure but I also I just want to be normal again.  I just want to move on.  How do you move on but don't forget? 

lostbutterfly lostbutterfly
2 Responses Oct 22, 2008

My father was sober for about 15 years before he died. I can really relate to your story. I also have 2 sons, both are autistic. I was pregnant with my 2nd when my dad died. I see a lot of my dad in my boys, not only in looks, but also in spirit. My dad, was an engineer. Not very social, but very sweet and funny. I can't help but think that maybe my kids are the same way. A lot of their "autistic" traits are just like my dad's personality. To offer some advice, look at your child whenever you miss your dad. Hold his hand and remember that the blood running through his veins is the same blood from your fathers, and yours. The tears will come and go, for happiness and sadness, but the love will always be the same.<br />
PS - "It gets easier, but it's never easy."

i'm so sorry for your loss. when my parents died, i thought i would never be able to be happy again, and that i would be in pain forever. that was a long time ago. i found that time really does heal. i'm happy now with my memories. i believe our spirit lives on after our mortal death. i also believe his dpirit is with you every day. he hears you when you speak to him, and continues to love you. you will be together when it's your turn to pass on. these beliefs give me comfort. i have reason to believe they are true. God bless you.