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Daddy, I Miss You and I Love You.

In 1987, my father was first diagnosed with prostate cancer.  He would not tell my brother and I about it until around 1991 or 1992.  At first it seemed that they got it all, and caught it at an early stage.  But later tests brought troubling results.  Certain levels of substances in his blood indicated that cancer was likely present somewhere, but they couldn't find where it had metastasized to.  

Finally it began showing up in his bladder.  He had so many spots burned out of his bladder that I don't think he had a bladder left.  I think he was also incontinent, but we never knew about any of his troubles, because he was a very private person who didn't share most of his experience with the family.  

It then spread from his bladder to his kidneys.  He had one of his kidneys removed.  He was getting thinner and thinner.  We finally learned, or he finally shared with us, that it had metastasized throughout his entire body.  It was in his bones.  It was everywhere.   I saw the scan of his body and could not believe what I saw.

Something that made a huge impact on me was that he made a special car trip, driving all the way from Texas to come see me in Florida before he died.  He brought me a few things that he thought I would want to have.  We had time to say goodbye.  It was very hard.   I wrote him a letter, but he wouldn't read it.  He and I had not always gotten along.  My letter was only positive and full of love for him, but he didn't read it until shortly before he died.  I wish so much he had read it when I gave it to him, as I think it could have made his short trip with me much better.  We always seemed to clash over the smallest things.  I don't even know why.  I never felt good enough for him.  Yet he still loved me enough to come and visit me before he died.

I got a lot of materials from the American Cancer Society.  Matierlals on his various forms of cancer, and materials on how to interact with someone who has cancer.  I contacted a hospice group to learn about the stages of dying.  I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything that would cause him distress.  I wanted to support him in his journey, and learn what to expect.  

I made a final trip to Texas to see him in May 2007.  He didn't look good and almost didn't let me take a final photo of him and me together.  I am so glad he relented and let me take the photo.  It is a good photo of him but not a very good photo of me.  I wish it had been a better photo of me.  In the photo, he seems to be saying to me, "Goodbye.  I love you and I always will."

I greatly miss my father . He died July 10, 2007. We had unresolved issues when he died. We didn't always get along, because we both have strong personalities, but we loved each other. His wife really dislikes me, and she hung up on me before he died, so I did not get to have a final goodbye with him. I will never forgive her for this.

To explain, my father and his wife lived in Texas. I live in Florida. I was not there when he died because I was not invited to be present. In addition, once my father grew too sick to answer the phone, his wife of 27 years would hang up the phone on me without letting me say a single word. She would see my number on caller ID and would just hang up the phone wordlessly. She wouldn't even place the phone to his ear, so that I could talk to him. Then he slipped into a coma. I will never forgive her for this.

She then proceeded to immediately sell the house and all of his possessions.  We had no time to grieve before she did this.  She stopped all communication with my brother and me, except to take us to court regarding our father's estate. She tried to get my brother thrown out as co-executor of my father's estate. It was Daddy's intention that my brother be co-executor. I think if Daddy had been alive to see how his wife behaved that he would have been shocked. She failed in her mission. My brother remained as co-executor of his father's estate, thanks to a very expensive lawyer which we were forced to hire because of her.

As a result of this emotional upheaval and legal chaos, I didn't get to properly grieve for him. I still have my grief bottled up. I can't have any photos out of him, because it hurts too much to look at them. My brother and I can't even share memories of him with his wife. His wife would have been an invaluable source of memories. She knew things about him that no one else did. We could have healed together, as a family. But his wife ruined that. She made it clear that she didn't want to communicate with me again, ever.

She also has a precious photo of him, one that Daddy said she would give me when she dies, but I sincerely doubt I will ever see that photo. She has nothing but hostility toward me, and there is nothing in writing that says she has to give me that photo.  

It took us 1 1/2 years, dragging Daddy's estate through court, but finally my brother and I settled things with Daddy's wife. It is not the way we would have wanted to do things.

So much has happened that all I feel is numb. It is hard to express feelings of grief or loss after everything that has happened. It is hard to believe he is gone.

There were things I could tell Daddy that I can't talk to anyone else about. I miss him so much. He was a strong and brave man, and I love him dearly and always will. I am sorry, Daddy, for the times when you and I fought. You were very hard on me sometimes, and I don't understand why you didn't show your love for me more. But I know you did love me. I am sorry if I was a disappointment to you. I don't believe in the afterlife but a small part of me hopes I will see you again one day. Then again, I believe we die and nothing happens afterwards, so I am not very hopeful.

I live my life alone. I spend so much time alone. I keep my phone off the hook most of the time. So when I spoke to Daddy, he was one of the few people I let into my life. Now I feel lonelier than ever. I miss him, and I have no one to talk to about it.

I wish I had had closure when my father died. I am one of those people who needs to be present in order to experience things. I understand and respect if Daddy and his wife needed to do this alone, however. That was their choice. Only it wasn't discussed in advance, and his wife hanging up on me so that I couldn't even know what was going on was very painful. It left me with no closure whatsoever. I feel lost. I don't know how to grieve or how to get over it.
 

thinhotwire thinhotwire 51-55, F 8 Responses May 11, 2009

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My Dad died of 4 cancers when I was 6. I was too Little to understand death yet but I need him now bad. My mom raised me and my elder sister alone. We never had a lot of money but we managed. Good luck with life <3

Hey i know its been a year since this was posted, and this is the only one i have repied to now. I understand what youre going through. I miss my Dad SO much & I cant believe its coming up to a month. We were each others best friend, hes the person I always saw, spent time with, went out with before he got sick - such a HUGE part of my life.<br />
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I put his photos away too, and only went through them on the computer today and with vids. Shouldnt have, cause then thoughts run when the light goes out.<br />
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I dont let many peole in at all either, and sometimes I have my phone off too. I also live alone so to speak, and spend my days alone. You think you're okay, then you're surprised when it hurts again. <br />
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I hope you're doing better now, and hope your relationship with your family is stronger

Hey i know its been a year since this was posted, and this is the only one i have repied to now. I understand what youre going through. I miss my Dad SO much & I cant believe its coming up to a month. We were each others best friend, hes the person I always saw, spent time with, went out with before he got sick - such a HUGE part of my life.<br />
<br />
I put his photos away too, and only went through them on the computer today and with vids. Shouldnt have, cause then thoughts run when the light goes out.<br />
<br />
I dont let many peole in at all either, and sometimes I have my phone off too. I also live alone so to speak, and spend my days alone. You think you're okay, then you're surprised when it hurts again. <br />
<br />
I hope you're doing better now, and hope your relationship with your family is stronger

Hey, similar story happened to me, I lost my dad last year in 13 october. I miss him so much and I feel so lonely, i shed tears everyday, sometime I wish I died instead of him, because he had my mom, my younger sister, he had hopes and wanted to live. He was a wonderful person, irreplaceble one. I also didn't get to see him. My mom and uncles made decision for us, and we didn't even have chance to get to see him, nor me no my sister. He wanted to see us, his children so much... I love him, and miss him, and my heart tears to pieces when I read stories like this. My father died in hospital. Soon it will be anniversary of his death but I have not even been in his grave, I couldn't just be so much brave and accept to face him lying under the ground so weak. I feel the same way you do, i mean some part of me hopes to see him one day, I have a hope we will meet each other one day. But I see him in my dreams sometime when I want to see him, I was preparing him surprise and had something to tell him but ... :(((( I wish God to heal your heart.

Dimples87, thank you for your comment. I agree, my father's wife had no right to do the things she did. Her actions hurt me deeply. I was going into a natural grief process and she stepped in and everything she did somehow shut down my grief and has made me unable to grieve. I don't know what happened, but all of it got bottled up inside and I can't get it to come out. It has almost been two years, but it feels like it just happened; a very raw and fresh hurt; a loss from which I haven't recovered. I still cannot believe my father is gone, and that I did not get to be by his side when he died. I will never forgive her for what she did. I know people say to forgive, but really, I cannot. I need to find ways to honor my father, but I cannot even look at his photographs yet. I just don't feel ready. It is too soon. I feel his loss so freshly and so deeply. It feels like it just happened. I cannot bear to see photos of him. Everything still hurts so much. I dread that the anniversary of his death is approaching. I hope I will be able to get through it.

anjew, your story touched me. I didn't always get along with my father, but we loved each other very much. Sometimes it was hard to see that love, but it was there, underneath everything. It became very apparent to me toward the end, during my last real phone conversation with my father, and because he had made that long car ride from Texas to see me. I am glad you were able to make peace with your father in the end. I love your idea of remembering the good times so that we don't feel lonely. I need to do that, as the anniversary of my father's death is fast approaching, and I really dread that time of year. His birthday is also coming up. Not to mention Father's Day, which always reminds me of him. I hope I have the strength to get through these days.

Wow, I am very sympathetic to your story and I couldn't imagine being in your shoes because what your dad's wife had no right to shun you like that from his dying process. I believe as you already know based on your story that going through the experience itself gives you some closure. I think you've said all you could have said to your father and I don't believe he was disappointed in you because if he drove all the way from TX to Florida to see you, he obviously loved and cared about you.<br />
There has to be someway that you can get the picture from his wife and with that being said, you'll have to confront her about this or you'll have to use someone you know to get it. She has no right to keep it from you. If you ever want anyone to talk to about this, let me know.

I also missed my father the way you do. He also died of cancer, of lung cancer. There are times I really wished I haven't spoken ill of him, I wished I had just allowed those ill feelings of mine passed and forgive him of his shortcomings. I'm happy I was at his bedside on his death. I was able to tell him though he was no longer able to respond to my grips and handclasps how sorry I was and asked forgiveness for the wrongs I've done to him. I really wished I didn't do all those things to him because on his last days I knew I was the one he was waiting for before he gave out his last breath. At the moment I just savour the beautiful memories I had with him especially my childhood days where we were constant company in buying my school supplies and new dresses every school year begins. I also enjoy recalling the days where he would find his place among the people watching public parade and enthusiastically look for me and waived at me among the participating school children, as if to let me know that, hey, am here watching you. I still vividly remeber his smiles while he waived at me. Let us then allow those memories linger around as if he's just there so we don't feel lonely. okay? Have a nice day.