My Father Comitted Suicide

it hurts so bad every day. it happened nineteen years ago and i was nine years old at the time, just a child. most other kids i knew probably didn't even know what suicide was. soon after i made childish stupid attempts at strangling myself with some kind of belt or rope and taking large amounts pills like paracetamol and vitamins.


i lost my innocence that day, after he died it was like i always had something to hide, i wasn't like the other kids. i could never really be happy.


i have since become a parent myself and the pain is worse because now i know how strong the love i have for my child is, and the desire to give her everything, teach her everything, guide her through life, and protect her, is infinite. and now i know that my father did not feel these things for me, and i wonder why? what did i do wrong? why didn't he care to protect me or watch me grow up.
horriblegirl horriblegirl
26-30, F
3 Responses Feb 14, 2010

It was quite an experience growing up with no male role model. I can certainly recall how it has made things difficult. My father had very severe diabetes as a child. In some case it can be so bad that you can die from it.<br />
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The psychologist is partly right I think, consider that he was mentally ill. Maybe it would help to talk to your mom about him? Talk about what he was like as a person or what their relationship was like. I've done some talking with my mom about my father and it has helped put a lot of things in perspective.

thanks for your comment. it must be extra hard to be a male growing up without your dad. i know i could not have made it without my mum, even now i am so thankful to have her around and would be devastated without her. i didnt realise people could die from diabetes.<br />
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i spoke to a psychologist about it and he said to try to focus on the fact that my dad was mentally ill, and so in a way he didnt really choose it, but just was sick and did not mean to hurt me.. or something. it did help me to think that way, but it still hurts anyway.

I'm sorry to hear this and for your loss. I lost my father to diabetes when I was 8, I partially know how you feel, but at the same time I can't even comprehend. I hope you find a way to stop internalizing what your father did, so you can find some peace.