Fatherless Child

It was 1 month and 9 days before I turned 2 when my father died of cancer leaving behind my mother, my sister, and my fathers 3 other children. I don't remember him or anything that happened during that time, but I remember the feeligs of confusion and pain and sadness and lonliness. My older sister had a very hard time dealing with it and she was usually peoples main focus. So I just smiled and stayed out of the way and believed it when people told me it was harder for her since she remembered him. My mother got remarried 3 years later. I liked him alright then but once again I was put on the backburner, I never felt as though I was taken seriously or that my problems really mattered. Life went on and though I would try to tell myself there was nothing to be sad about I still found myself sad. I remember as a little girl coming downstairs after crying and trying to talk to my stepdad about it and he told me was that I was too young to remeber and that my father wasn't my dad, he was becuase I didn't remember my father and he was the one raising me and that my sister remembered him and our father was her dad not mine. My stepfather is a very proud man and 'gives' a lot but always expects something in return and never thinks he's wrong. I have a hate/like relationship with him now and resent him quite a bit and my mother is no help she just says that it's his problem and I need to accept that he's my stepdad and that out of respect I need to call him dad. I tried turning to my sister for help and comfort since she was going through the situations as well but that too fell apart, she was too hurt and angry and young to help me. We fought and argued and she would tell me that it was all my fault our dad was dead and that it I hadn't been born he would still be alive. For quite a few years I pretended everything was ok and that i was happy but then I started becoming a teenager and in 7th grade my 'parents' split up and we moved out into our tailer in an rv park. I had been homeschooled from 2-7grade due to us going on a 2 year trip. My mother and I couldnt get along so she put me in school halfway through 7th grade. It was around then that I had really bad depression and finally got my mom to let me have counseling like them. It helped some but I was still very hardhearted and closed off from my family. I'm now going into 10th grade and my depression is better but I'm still not over it and have begun to think about it a lot and am not sure how to handle it or how to deal with it. I feel stupid when I cry about it because it was so long ago and I think I should be over it and that it shouldn't matter anymore. I get jealous and somewhat angry when I see little girls and their daddys or when I see complete families. I don't know what to do about all these feelings. I feel hollow and lonely especially when I think about all the things daddys and their daughters are supposed to do together and that Ill never get that chance. I have no friends who can relate and my sister and I aren't too close right now which saddens me because we were getting really close for awhile. My other 3 siblings are all in their 30s and live hours away and I don't get to talk to them much or see them. I miss him and resent that he was taken away befor I got a chance to know him. I sympathize with all of you out there who have lost a parent and am truly sorry for the pain it puts you through.
Akako12 Akako12
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 27, 2010

Thank You so much HopeInConstruction, that means a lot to me. It's nice to know there are people out there who have gone through similair things and that I'm not alone. That comment helped me =') you too are an inspiration

I loved your story. It was as if you had read my thoughts and put on paper exactly what im going through, even though i was older and knew my father. This truly moves me, the way you stand in the situation is truly remarkable and admirable. No matter how old you are, when you lose a parent, its always hard, and im sorry you never knew him. You have a righ to be upset, to show emotions like a normal human, and cry as many tears as you need. You are a true inspiration to me.