Lately, I have been really depressed. My father
died 3 months ago and I still feel like I haven't been able to fully grieve over everything. We had a lot of problems. He was gone too much and we didn't have many times where we actually bonded. Being at the age of 16, I'm still of that stage where I don't fully appreciate everything my parents have done for me. I wish I was a bit older at least so that I didn't have to dwell on everything they have put me through, but accept who they are and that they're doing the best they can do. Instead, I'm an angry teenager, and it's something I just can't help. My dad was a pastor. Always gone to help someone out or pray for people. I was selfish. Of course I wanted him to notice me, and I'm still angry for him not being there even though he spent his time wisely. I'm angry at the people he was with. Why did they have to be so selfish and take away my dad at all of hours of the week? I needed him to be there. He would be home 2-3 days out of the week. The rest he spent at his boat resting from his long week of work or working of course. Why did he have to go to his stupid boat? Why couldn't he come home and spend time with me? A lot of my life I have felt neglected by my parents. Of course they didn't fully neglect me. They didn't pay a lot of attention to me though, and that hurt, a lot. I was in denial until he died. Thinking I didn't need that. I felt like I always had to be strong, an attribute I gained from my mom. I hate the feeling of vulnerability. I tell myself that I'm okay, yet here I am venting to a computer. I feel like the people that call me their friends don't want to listen to any of this. The day I found out my dad died, I called my "best friend" to tell her the news. It was 10 minutes after I found out. Thinking she was there to comfort me, instead she said she was at school and she couldn't talk. For me, no matter what excuse, I feel like that was unforgivable. My other friend came down and stayed with my friend for the weekend where they had an awesome "slumber party" before they went to my dad's memorial. And here I was at home with no one that came to visit to me except for maybe 2, but only stayed for 10 minutes. Why do I always feel so lonely? Why can't someone make me feel special for once. It's one thing I have yet to figure out. One thing I have, is that people are selfish, and most won't go out of their way to be a good friend.