Not Dead But Completely Gone Now

A couple of years back my mother ran into a man I had never met while she was at work. Then all of a sudden I was a few days away from meeting a man who had always been in my thoughts but never close enough to touch. I remember picking up the phone putting in the numbers and hoping no one would pick up the first time so I could listen to his voice before I would have to react. But just like me he doesn't change the message on the answering machine. I remember what it was like seeing him get out of the car for the first time. I thought "god, she said he was short but I never believed he could be smaller then me." You see I am 5'2 and my father is 4 something. It was a great shock to see him down there smaller then me because he is soo big and muscular. He is not healthy but he works out a lot. What I mean by not healthy is he has AIDs. And he is not living with it he is going to let it kill him because he is non compliant with the meds. I think that's unfair for a person who has children. Even if I am the only one that wanted to be in contact with him shouldn't he try harder to be around longer just for me. Maybe I am just asking for too much. Either way, when a conviction came into town it gave me a chance to get to know him better then I should have. By this point we had moved away from the state he still lives in so he said it would alright if I stayed with him so I could enjoy myself. We are so much alike he and I. I get the way I walk from him, and some of the stranger sides of my art work are fueled by our strained relationship. Still, back on the subject, at the convention I expected him to spend time seeing one thing I really enjoy. But he could have cared less. We spent more time staying out of each others hair then getting to know what we had in common or just catching up on what he had missed. And learning what this man I had never met was really like, but a knife in the back of the image I had always had of him. Strong and proud replaced by foolish and insensitive. I am not sure if I am waiting to loose my dad or if he is already dead to me. As time passes with out a call to the other from either of us, the worry stops coming. I am finding it harder to cry at the thought of his death. And as months turn into years again and again I start to doubt wether or not I will be moved when I finally get that horrible call.
SunsetMoon SunsetMoon
26-30, F
Mar 8, 2007