One Of The Worst Weeks Of My Life

the last year i lost my father it was totally unexpected n i was shocked, he was ok, he didnt show any sign of sickness but he was unemployed for 10 years and got this new job so he gave all of his to make it work, his blood pressure go high one day but he tought he was sick of the stomach cause he felt headache so he went to the hospital n they treat him for a stomach ache n headache, the next day he was worse and he fainted in the bathroom, they went to the hospital, doctors said he has an aneurysm and they had to operate him next day but the bleedin continued so they needed to stop before operate so we had to wait one day more...

i was at home, my grandma was with him, we didnt had a good relationship i didnt speak with him in a while n he was alucinating at the hospital and he told my grandma he saw me n he tried to talk with me but i ran away, that wasnt real but i feel a deep wound in my heart since the day she told me that..he dreamt with my hug n i couldnt give him that when he was conscious...

i sent him my crucifix but nurses didnt let him keep it, i went three times to the hospital that week, the day they operate him, surgery last 17:30 hours, they said many times durin that period he wouldnt make but finally he did n went out of it, but he was unconscius at UCI so nobody could be there, n my grandma was the only one who could go, we prayed to God for him, we promised the impossible for his health...

my sisters were far away in another country so they wasnt there, i was his only daughter there, i swear i never thought for one second he could die , i always kept the feeling he would be ok, that was not the end, i was so wrong...

but after surgery things started to go wrong, his brain got swollen and doctors said that was the end but he kept goin, the next day they said he was in coma, so i get into the room n touch his hands they were cold for AC i remenber i thought he was freezin and needed blankets, i pray for him silently and i told him i loved him n how my grandma my sisters and all the family we needed him, his head was so big n wrapped in bandages his face swollen unrecognizable and my heart sank . Doctors said he didnt have brain death, so we prayed even harder and at the afternoon of that day they said he was a little bit better so we thanked God for it thinkin naively he will make it.

i remenber very clear the call we received that morning, was my grandma through the cryin she said he had a stroke, we thought he was death n started to cry too, but like 5 minutes later she calls us to tell us he still had vital signs and doctors had to wait like 15 minutes to declare him death

i was so desperated i couldnt be at home so i went to the hospital just to receive the news he was death, a heart attack. my grandma wasnt there, so i had to ask to my father´s wife permission to see him, i went into UCI his body coldl, i cried n felt so angry with nursers and doctors there cause they were talkin and laughing like nothin while my world was destroyed completely i felt an emptyness as i never did before, i still feel it, i dont think im gonna stop this sensation, now i only remenber his ilusions and lost dreams the man he tried to be and all this distance we had, i feel a part of my soul died with him, a piece of my heart is buried with him n i hve nobody to share this lost im alone with my pain n ppl think time should be enough but its not enough still its not enough...
chocolatecookie chocolatecookie
26-30, F
1 Response May 23, 2012

You have to know that where he is now? He sees... he knows... he loves... he understands... he forgives... he guides. And he wants you to live in the present moment; not in the past. He wants you to move forward, not stay behind. We all have a purpose in life, and once we've fulfilled that, we are finished with this life here. Now it's time for you to learn what your purpose is... to learn to surrender all the pain and regret and guilt... to accept what is and what was and know that it was all meant to be.<br />
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I know how insensitive hospitals are once someone has passed. To them, it's a process that they repeat day in and day out; a part of the 'job'. Because they have no emotional connection to our loved ones, it's much simpler for them to do what needs to be done, to keep moving in the moment and ready a body for the next step in 'the process'. Try to let go of that memory; and remember the good. Look for the good in all situations in life, because you will find whatever it is you seek, good or bad.<br />
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Peace and love to you... surrender this pain... let it go... don't hold onto it any more out of guilt and remorse. Choose peace instead.

thanks for ur kind words, im tryin to but still hurts...

And it will, for a time.... but you're focusing on things that he's transitioned past now that he's on the Other Side... things that are not relevant in his world but are eating away in yours, sweetie. There are no regrets on the Other Side... only knowledge... only unconditional love. We can spend a lot of our lives thinking shoulda, coulda, woulda... but just know that every single moment of our lives? Have and are happening just exactly as they should be, according to plan. His life, his death, your grief... but everything in life is temporary, even life itself. You've got to let it go, like a balloon in the breeze, to be able to move forward emotionally. I know it's easier said than done, but if you'll just trust and accept that it was meant to be; it wasn't supposed to be any different (your relationship/the circumstances of his death)... it 'went down' exactly as it was supposed to; and that there is a lesson here to be learned. I think the life lesson is that of surrrender and acceptance. There are seven stages of grief, sweetie... if you're not familiar with them, look that up, okay? So that you'll understand better that what you feel is normal; that it's a process both intellectually and emotionally; and that you will reach a point of acceptance. We all do... and yeah, it takes time. Lots of it... but don't lose time grieving for something that isn't necessarily as you perceive it. Your dad knows everything now... everything you felt you could never tell him; why you felt estranged; and I'm telling you, this is not what he wanted to leave you with.