I'm Afraid My Father May Have Committed Suicide...

...and I'm still having a hard time dealing with this nagging suspicion.

My father was diagnosed with a brain tumor secondary to malignant melanoma and died June 23, 2003, preciscely one month to the day he was diagnosed. He was 71 years old. His tumor was discovered by accident. He tripped and fell against the corner of a wall. The blow to his head was serious enough that my mom took him to the ER. The doctors did an MRI (or a CT scan, not sure which), and that is how his tumor was found. He was admitted to the hospital at the time, but soon went home. The tumor was inoperable and too far advanced for chemotherapy. The only treatment he received was radiation which supposedly was to reduce the pain in addition to pain meds. There was no other cancer found in his body, and the doctors concluded that the tumor did not originate in his brain, but rather his melanoma had metastisized (sp?).

To back up a bit...he had this mole (or growth?) on his back for a few months. My mom had harrassed him about going to the doctor but he wouldn't until it was too late. (The tumor was found around the same time he was diagnosed with the melanoma.)

Okay, so you must be thinking, "many men refused to go to the doctor to have things checked out". *Not so* with my dad. He was constantly going to doctors for one reason or another. It does not make sense that he wouldn't go to the doctor about his suspicious looking mole.

He also suffered with depression for years, and in fact was hospitalized several times for it. He was on meds for his depression, but they didn't seem to work from all outward appearances.

He seemed to be in total acceptance with his terminal illness. He told me that he "had Jesus in his heart and whatever happens happens". That was the last time I spoke to him when he was of sound mind. Although he was given a prognosis of six months, he had a stroke and was gone after only one month. I spent the last week of his life with him (I live out of town), but he was not in any condition to have a lucid coversation after the stroke. I had to help my mom out a lot with him.

Again, given the fact that my dad was quite the doctor-goer, plus with his severe depression, I cannot help but to think that in his mind, this was his way out...I suppose I'll never really know.

This is the first time I've revealed this to anyone.
JulesInBmore JulesInBmore
51-55, F
May 24, 2012