How Does It Feel?

I was nine when my father died. It's funny, the way I feel, I mean, I can't remember calling him father at all when he was alive, but ever since he died I've never been able to get the word Dad out easily. I suppose it just doesn't feel right.

It will be ten years this May, since he died, and I find myself wondering how it will make me feel this year. Last year was pretty rough, probably the worst since the first anniversary. I'm not quite sure why that was. One would think that the pain would lessen as time goes by, but maybe it's because I was finally at a point in my life where I could face it, instead of hide myself to protect my mom and my sister, or maybe not. Maybe I was just emotionally unstable and that was the result. Who knows.

So, as the tenth anniversary draws near, I find myself with strangely mixed emotions. My mom told me on Friday that they might actually get his disseration published, something she's been working on since he died, and I realized that I don't even know what his dissertation is about.

At some level I feel proud of him, and of my mother, and at another level I feel angry that I'm his daughter, and I barely knew him. Sometimes I find myself thinking that we have a lot in common, or would have really, and then I feel my stomach twisting with emotion, and I can't decide if I want to choke, or punch something, or cry, and then...I suppose sometimes I've ended up on my floor in an attempt to execute all three of these things at once, but usually I just stifle it, and move on.

I suppose I have mixed feelings because sometimes I think that if I hadn't lost him, if I hadn't of needed to figure myself out in order to help my mom get through it, if I hadn't of needed to depend on myself for much of my adolescence, then I know I wouldn't be the person I am today. And I think I like the person I am today. And in some strange and weird way, the side of me that says, 'what if he hadn't died?' and also says, 'you wouldn't be the person you are today.' And I hear this in my head and think, 'but I like who I am (most of the time)' and I think the reason I am who I am is resultant of my father's death, so the question 'what if he hadn't died,' continues with 'would I still like me?'
HelloThere HelloThere
22-25, F
2 Responses Apr 30, 2007

Sounds WAY too familiar...<br />
I lost my Dad when I was seven. He committed suicide, and I've always found it difficult to say the word 'Dad'. Even with my own children I've always said 'your father' instead. I don't remember what it was like to have a dad, but you know how people say 'you don't miss what you never had'? That's not true. I miss my dad, because I can see what it would be like to have one. I hate watching fathers with their children - it hurts so much. I wonder every day: would he be proud of me? Would he like me as a person? What does he think of what I've become? It's really hard, and I share your pain.

WOW, extremely profound thoughts for sucha young person. I'm sorry to hear of your loss and at the age of 45 i am dealing with the fact that my father has been told he has less then 6 months to live. My relationship with my father was horiffic as he sexually abused me for 15 years, so i dont really know how i will feel when he dies?!? Despite my obvious hatred for him, i still oddly love him, simply because he is my father, but he was NEVER my Dad if that makes any sense. I am amazed at your thoughts and struggles. I can't say for sure, but i do lean in the direction that you would be a different person today had he not died. Either way you seem like a GREAT person with AMAZING strength. I wish you the best regarding what i assume will be a very difficult day in your life with the anniversary of your father's death coming up. You will be in my prayer's!!