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I'm Sorry Dad

My father and I were never very close. Now that I’m 39 and he’s gone I finally understand why. I never realized it but our personalities were too similar. I never bothered to acknowledge or understand our differences. Now looking back I believe he was an introvert and had a social anxiety like I do. I have always been bad at engaging people in conversation as did he. I wish I had understood him more when he was alive. Maybe we would have been closer and been able to bond. But that didn’t happen. I was too selfish to show any interest . He lived his life married with kids but alone. When my mother died she took a chunk of my father with her. He was never the same and always depressed once she was gone. I didn’t realize it then but now I know that he was lost without my mother. He wanted to go with her, he didn’t want to continue to live. He lasted 3 years and then one day…I found him dead in his office at home. I knew something was wrong when he didn’t answer the phone or the door and he didn’t answer when I yelled out his name. When I approached his office he was sitting in his chair, chin down like he was taking an “old man nap”. A huge picture of my mother hung on the wall in front of him. I went up to him and layed my hand on his shoulder and said “Dad?” That’s when I knew he was gone. They said he died of cardiac arrest. I wonder if that was caused by his broken heart. I miss my dad. We weren’t close but he was mine. A good man, a good father and good provider. He probably never knew it but he taught me a lot in life and in death.
vicarious1 vicarious1 36-40, F 2 Responses Aug 14, 2012

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I am so sorry!!!

I'm sure he loved you, and he will always be with you. Make him proud. Live a life pursuing happiness. Wake up every morning with a smile for him.