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Cancer Murdered My Father

So many stories of cancer. My family had no cases of cancer until October, 2010 when my father was diagnosed. He passed away in May, 2011. The experience of watching my father suffer slowly and painfully has changed me. This sadness still embedded deep inside me, never to go away. I tell myself death is an unfortunate part of life and try to make peace with my father dying. Yet I still feel such deep sadness, even anger at times. I don't blame anyone or feel cheated. I had 37 wonderful years with my father. I don't know where the anger comes from and as much as I want to move on, the memories flood back in an instant. Maybe I need help. I don't know the line between normal grieving and depression to the point of needing to speak with someone. My work is suffering as I have no motivation to do my best. My father passing has made me look at life so different. I don't want to waste my life at a job that is unrewarding and unfulfilling. I feel the need to matter in this world. I feel myself being restless and searching...but for what? I don't know.
Lookingsearching Lookingsearching 36-40 2 Responses Aug 28, 2012

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I can relate to your feelings...grew up in a happy complete family my mother was a great example my father was a hardworking man. A man of courage a man with hope and lots of suffers while growing up he still manage to pull it off and have a wonderful family...us...to live to not live its almost a decision never thought of...knowing you have a short term left kills you faster living a dead life what i call it...seeing him slowly fade was devastating enough but not knowing reality was worse till that precise moment your doing ok but yet part of you has created a black whole that grows deeper into a massive pain of memories never forgotten...what do you do when your only a child without a clue of a tomorrow. Pain will never heal but will always make aware of your surrounds as if had a 6th sense of appreaciation that others refuse to listen and all because they once thought they had it all......

I couldn't have said it better myself