Instant Gratification

It's true what everyone says. When you lose someone who was so close to you, and so involved in your life, the pain never really goes away. I lost my father 5 and a half months ago, and I still feel like he is on a perpetual vacation. He was not an alcoholic, was not abusive, and was not a bad father. He was actually the best father he could have been. He was depressed, however. He suffered from severe depression for two years before he finally decided to take his own life by shooting himself. The morning of, he acted the way he normally did, leaving for work. However, he had parked his car a few blocks away, and nobody noticed until it was too late. There was no goodbye note, no explanation, no final "i love yous" like you see in movies. People always wonder, just like i used to, why nobody ever saw the signs. Sure, they were there, but not until the person is gone do you really notice how much you missed. Every time he said something, he said it in a joking manner. He never straight out said he wished he was dead, but he did say he wanted the pain to go away. It wasn't until i was finally brave enough to go into his bedroom that i found a prozac bottle still full of pills. it was almost like he didnt want to get better. the prescription was a year old, and i had found no new bottles. I must say, it was definitely an eye-opening experience.

Now, I still feel like he is on a perpetual vacation. The reality that he is gone forever, even as i write it now, still doesn't seem real to me. When i look at his picture i feel detached, almost as if i was looking at a picture of a stranger. I don't feel that sense of pride knowing that my father was an amazing, loving, father figure. i only feel great loss and emptiness. i still refuse to talk about him to my peers, and i get upset every time a memory of him creeps into my head. I know that some people like to deal with the pain head-on, but my way is completely ignoring it. Anyway, I was just in a horrible mood today and needed to get it out somehow. This isnt exactly the best written story or anything, but to everyone out there who has lost someone from a suicide, i understand, and im so very sorry you have to feel the same pain.

snickersbar snickersbar
18-21, F
8 Responses Jun 11, 2007

i lost my father almost 3 years back and i also ignore memories n pics of him, not bcoz of anything else, if i think of him, i cant live widout his love n concern. the light of my life is gone. this was one person who trusted me come what may. i lost him all of a sudden to a cardiac arrest. if i had known i wd hv given him more time. i was so engrossed in my family. i miss him. i can never ever get this unconditional love from any1 else. i can understand ur sadness.....i hv been thru the same. wat can i say dear except time may heal the sorrow.....memory of love never fades inspite of rolling years

...lol

my father had died one month ago. I am still feeling depressing. He is just 50 yrs old. How can I live with out him. How can I console my mother. Please give me suggestions. I am hope less.

my father had died one month ago. I am still feeling depressing. He is just 50 yrs old. How can I live with out him. How can I console my mother. Please give me suggestions. I am hope less.

I am so sorry for your loss and if I were you I'd be very angry as well. I've been on palliative care for nearly 2 years and suicide has crossed my mind many times. But I could never bring myself to that point when I think of the anger and pain that would leave for my family. Your father must have been in a lot of pain and unfortunately there was nothing you could have done about it. praying for you, Gisele

i lost my dad two weeks ago .. i cant say anything about this because there's no words to explain the feeling .. but i'm more than sure that he's around , i can feel him , losing a parent is the hardest thing ever

I am so very sorry for your loss. My father has been gone for almost 25 years now and I still miss him.I can only imagine the feelings and the questions you must have. Depression can be a very difficult thing to overcome ,you feel so lost and hopeless, and the pain can seem unbearable. I hope that you do not blame yourself in any way for the decision that your father made. Hang in there and allow yourself to feel when YOU are ready. Take Care.

cheer up.