I Lost My Father, My Hero

I lost my mother at 17 and my Dad at 29.  But my relationship with my parents was very different.  I went to work today but I came home after an hour.  That can't continue for long or i'll get sacked.  They've sent me to the Psychologist before, but it's just another one or a psychiatrist in a line of endless people getting me to come up with my own answers.  So yes I hear what you're saying but when I sit infront of you in a comfortable room it doesn't change the fact that he's still dead and he'll still be dead tomorrow and so on.  I was married, i guess i still am but I couldn't bring children into a world without him.  The children I'll never have would have learn't so much from him.  My husband, ex, still great friend, once said that i'd never be happy in a relationship because I was looking for someone just like my dad, and I know he's not out there.  I went to see him when he was dead in the coffin and I kissed his head and it was like putting your lips on a cold wall and I was scared to touch his fingers incase they broke and this was the man who was everything.   I don't know how you ever get over that.  I write a bit of poetry and that helps a bit though it's morbid.   So I hope there is an afterlife because I can't bare to face the alternative.  People sing about heartache, and when he died I thought this must be what it feels like to have a heart attack.  The emotional pain was so strong.  It's been years now but i'd give anything for one more day with him.
helmould helmould
31-35, F
Jul 23, 2007