Not Coping Well

He passed on Nov 2, he had just turned 60.

It was awful. I just dont know what to do anymore. I'm really confused about my life and my feelings. Mostly I feel guilty, but i'm sad, and I miss him, but there's also this unexpected rage. Its so bad that minor things set me off. I have never been an angry person and I dont know how to control it.

I have never believed in the afterlife, I just thought you died and that was it. Now i feel like thats kind of unfair. What if he wasn't finished?

He was an alcoholic, he had gone thru rehab several times but it just never stuck. And i was so angry with him every time he slipped, I feel so guilty about that now. I apologized to him while he was in the coma, but who knows if he understood?  I feel that he died thinking that his youngest daughter hated him. And I just can't bear it.

It got worse and worse every time, he had no control over himself at all at the end, he fell down our stairs and cracked his head open. they tried to repair him surgically, but he had a massive stroke the day after.  We made the decision to remove life support, because the surgeons advised us that he would less than 5% brain function if he ever came out of the coma. Sometimes I feel like we should have waited longer. 

I feel awful most of the time.

peony peony
22-25, F
10 Responses Feb 4, 2007

No, don't feel awful. Alcohol is a real bad, actually sad addiction that has ruined many a family. And for the times you got upset at your dad when he was intoxicated at times, was just a normal tendency. A lot of us have been through what you've been through, and yes, made us lose our cool with our intoxicated dads, at times, but this is normal my girl. You hang in there, and NEVER blame yourself for being upset at him at times, this is a normal reaction. And he knew, and still knows, that you have and never will, stop loving him. Huge hug, take care.

I too understand your pain. I lost my father a couple of weeks ago. He got into an altercation with someone and suffered sever brain damage. He was in a coma for 3 days and that was extremely hard for me. My Dad also was using drugs. I guess you can say he was addicted , altough he didnt do them daily he couldnt stop doing them. I found this out a year ago and lets say that I was very upset. Not only did he use drugs but he was also sick with lupus. I cant say that I hate dmy dad i just didnt like the way he was destoying himself and his family. The only thing I hate is that we didnt get to spend more time togethert. He passed sept 20 2009 a couple of days after his 52nd birthday and a couple of days before my 27th. That wil certainly be a birthday to remember. Like some of the previous post stated, they were in hell on this earth...although I'm sad and angry, I could not wish him back here again to suffer I'll just have to wait and see him in heave. One thing good that will come out of this is being closer to my two lil sisters he would def want that.

It's funny because I just found this site tonight and I could've written your post. I lost my dad in March (now July) and it has been incredibly difficult. I feel guilty and sad as well. My dad wasn't an alcoholic but a drug addict. I watched him kill himself slowly over the years. It finally got to the point where he couldn't do anything either. I just wanted my dad back that I remembered when I was a little girl. He was bipolar so there were many times when life wasn't fun but when he was sober and not having an epidsode he was an awesome dad. I miss him and feel like I've been ripped in two. There are so many days I just want to yell and scream at him for being selfish but I can't. And that's even harder. I do believe in an afterlife but it's a scary thing to not know exactly what it is. I'm so scared that I'll never see him again and get to talk to him.

I was 2 month in pregnant when my dad died too i didn't see her face but i have some of her picture. I have some source about I lost my father try to search in google "thankgodforebook I Lost My Father" sharing an inspirational story and you can share your story too.

Hi everyone...<br />
<br />
try to read this wonderful story truly makes you feel God's power, love and compassion over His people. An eye opener towards the realms of our spirituality. I urge you to through the links and let know your comments by posting it below. So go on, experience life one's more with God's words...and try to search in google the thankgodforebooks I lost my father by Robert Joseph Iwaniec.... thank you

hello, are stories are alike somewhat i lost my father 2 years ago. he was driving home when he had a stroke also. 2 weeks later we had to take him off of life support he passed away shortly after he was 83 years old. i know it doesnt matter what you may do your folks always love you. and i am sure your father is still with you in your heart. and may be there with you in spirt. do you ever notice anything being moved maybe pictures hanging at a angle just little things like that. think of all the good things you and your father did together keep them in your heart he loves you and dont want you to be sad. enjoy life be happy he would want that for you. Bill Grissom LAGS

I have a few things to comment about your story. First you said your dad was an alcoholic. I don't know how much you know about this disease, but less than 96% are able to kick it. It's not an easy one, not by any means. It doesn't mean that they love you less, it doesn't mean they love the drug or alchohol more. It's a killer disease that there is no shot for like insulin for diabetics, or surgery for those with some forms of cancer. And trust me, he was living in his own hell here on earth. One that he did not want you be to be a part of because he loved you so much.<br />
Now for my other part of what I wanted to say. I lost my Dad about 24 years ago. He died of lung cancer, Yet I still smoke). At that time he and my mom were going on their 40th wedding anniversary. He died at home, we had his wake before he died. All of his friends and family were there. It was his last "party" with all of us, and a chance to share our memories and special times together. 13 years later my mom became ill with colon cancer. She stayed in a hospice hospital until her last 2 weeks, when she came home to pass. While she was in the hospital, I had stopped by to visit this one day. I had asked her nurse how she was doing before going into her room. Her nurse told me that the most paticuliar thing happened that morning. My mom had told her that Erle had visited her earilier and said he was bringing her home shortly. The nurse went on to explain that their were no other visitors that A.M. and didn't know who Erle was. I told her , "That's my Daddy." So, still don't believe in the afterlife? I know that nurse and I do!<br />
See you in heaven!!

November 2nd is my birthday. It's weird to know that whilst I was having one of the best times in my life you were having your worst time.

Woah.. what a topic to talk about, not easy at all. When you lose someone it's hard not to get caught up on those kind of thoughts, especially because all those 'little' things you are talking about are everywhere, for example if you ever hear a song you guys used to like, or eat a certain food you knew he liked, it acts as an anchor which brings you back to re-living a past experience and causes you to think about him again.<br />
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It wont be simple to get out of these thoughts, but what I suggest is that you get out of your everyday pattern. You can keep feeling bad, it's a normal thing to do, but try to travel, go somewhere you havent been for a little while, somewhere that wont cause these anchors to keep you hooked up on the same problem.<br />
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As for him passing on, I am no one to say what is good or bad, but think of this, he was sick before, and probably suffering in his own way because of the addiction to alcohol, now he is free, painless. I believe that in order to move on in life, we need to somehow believe that there is something more after death, it can't just end. It doesn't really fit into our mentality. Anyway, energy doesnt just vanish, it transforms.<br />
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I could go on forever but I'll end it here, if you would like to talk about this some more with me feel free to message me =)

He must know you still loved him. He knew you were angry at him but you and him must have known that with family, there is an unconditional love. And I do believe in after life and he is watching over you sad that you are sad. But I am know he loved you and deep inside you never stopped loving him. You just get so caught up in anger but that anger is only there because you care and caring is a part of love.