I Can't Forgive Myself

my father and i had a great relationship, he was open minded , talk reason and willing to discuss things using logic, he was a n avid reader which why i inherited from him , and i was attached to him more than i was to my mom

 

10 years ago, i had a fight with my brother, he picked on me and i called him names , he took the fishing stick and hit me with it with all his might. because i insulted him .

 

yet no body blamed him for it, i was blamed for calling him names to begin with and everyone said i deserved what happened . including my father who was supposed to defend me

he let me down, and they all did, i decided not to speak to my brother ever again

my brother never apologized for what he did, he believed and still believe he did the right thing teaching me a lesson

and he never stopped picking on me

even when my father scolded him. my aunts blamed me for that

he scolded him as he broke a vase

still my father asked me to make up to him

ever since , i have become insecure, angry , not trusting anyone

and kept reminding my dad how he let me down

and no one was there for me , because they didn't want to cause more problems and make people talk if they knew about it

my bruises were still marked on my body and they asked me to let it go

it took me almost a year to made up with him

but he kept on mistreating me emotionally and yell at me , he never showed any kind of remorse of what he did

 

so i stopped talking to him again , he kept on calling me names and make fun of anything i say and do , he was always jealous of me because i was admitted to college and my skills in English , he would find any fault to prove i am not good at anything as  people think

 

my dad continued to make me make up to him because he is my brother and all

and i was more angry at my father for his attitude and not standing up for me when i needed him the most

my anger blinded me and clouded my vision to see that my father was ill, and he knew his end was near and he wanted to make sure that my brothers and i are in good terms since he will be my guardian when he dies, which what happened

after two years since the incident and not talking to my brother, my father passed away due to heart failure....

i was in denial , he can't leave so soon, i had tons of things to say to him, how much i love him , how bad i felt for hurting him so, i was too proud to say it, now he is gone.

it took me months to believe it, things between me and my brother got back like nothing happened, my mom and aunts and also my other brothers , started blaming me for not making my father's last  wish.

making my grief over my father rather worse , when i needed comfort and sympathy .

i realized that i am all alone in the world ever since i was hit and no one stood up for me , i was rather alone when he died .

I ve become vulnerable , bitter and couldn't't trust anyone

my friends at college backed out , i was slacking off at school after the tragedy. and after i was a straight A student surrounded by friends . i had become the slack off student who has no friends to hang out with ....

i believe i got cursed, for blaming my dad and making him feel like a bad father

i still pay my dues , i don't know for how long, its been like 9 years now

i dream of him almost everyday , feeling him holding me so tight and feel his stubble beard itching my cheeks .

i am still blamed until the moment i speak for what happened.

its such a burden i am carrying ,I pray everyday and night for him to forgive me .

i don't doubt god's mercy . and i pray for that day when i know i am forgiving by my father ...

lonesomedove80 lonesomedove80
31-35, F
2 Responses Feb 19, 2010

ur story made me sad. I wish for ur happiness. Hope ur family members understand that ur such a good person.:)

Virtuous, do me a favor hon, listen to Mike and the Mechanics and the song is living years ok? I know how you feel and felt hon, been there myself and still have memories of the day I foudn my father.