For Fred

Picture a warm-hearted, caring, nurturing father and throw all that out the window. You won't learn anything unless it hurts because you remember pain. I saw him once about 9 years ago when he had a stroke, I went to see if he died. My sister's wondered how I could feel that way, I wondered how they couldn't...did they forget? He didn't die, oh well, wouldn't lose any sleep over it. At that time I thought I forgave him, I told myself I did, I even believed I did, but I really hadn't yet. This past fall my sister emailed me, he was going soon and I should come. This time I knew I really forgave him because I found myself asking for mercy on him, I am a stronger person for him being the way he was. He showed me the wrong way to do things, that was a start on figuring out how to do things the right way. I went hoping to have a few  moments alone, knowing i wouldn't have the guts to say anything if someone else was there. Luckily I had more than a few moments, it took a bit to get past the lump in my throat. I remember thinking he wasn't a big monster anymore. The nurses said he wasn't responsive much, his organs were shutting down but he was breathing on his own for now. I stood at his side holding his hand, (that was a first) I was flooded with memories and emotions spanning 37 years...and I thought, all of it led to this moment right now......and I'm not angry, it's all good. Soon he will know. I silently said the lords prayer, it's the only one I know and it seemed appropriate. Then I looked at him and I said, it's all good dad. I hope you know what I mean, it's all good and I love you. He turned his head towards me, his hand and arm twitched and jumped, his face scrunched up in a scowl...he recognized me, I smiled at him...and he pulled his hand away

He died two weeks later on Thanksgiving. It was the best one we've ever had, no one was fighting, no harsh feelings anywhere, we talked about the past with laughter. It was like we could all breathe and relax, the cycle stopped with him and he took all of it with him. My sisters and I are much closer now, I'm still smiling, and dad knows 

sumwaresumtime sumwaresumtime
2 Responses Feb 28, 2010

Thank you :)

Well written and well said. Life isn't beautiful much of the time but you turned the ugly side into something more comical with great understanding. I admire you for that. It take a strong person!