I'm Alone

I miss my husband. I lost him 9/12/12. I"m so lost without him. I lost my best friend and my life. Everyone keeps telling me that he's not in pain anymore and I know that that is true. It doesn't take away the need him to be here with me. I need him to talk to. I need him to hug me and hold my hand while I cry. I need his hugs. I get lots of hugs if I ask but it's not the same anymore. He could wrap me in his arms and make the whole world disappear around us and it was just me and him standing there. Just his touch could calm me down no matter what was wrong and how upset I was. Everyone keeps telling me that this is going to get easier as time goes by. Well, it's been over a month and if anything it feels a hell of alot worse than when it orginally happened. I think it's starting to sink in more that he's really gone. I need my husband so bad. Some of his friends tell me that i made a difference in his life. I'm glad I did. It still hurts. What about ME needing him in MY life??? Does that not count for anything? I tried reaching out to a couple friends to help me right now and neither of them are responding. I know they have lives outside of talking to me and trying to make me feel better but I really need my friends right now. Well one just wrote me back and she said she has no money right now. The one I really want to respond isn't though. I know he's at work right now but I'm hurting and being selfish and want him to take me somewhere and just distract me from all this. He of all people understands what it's like to loose a love one. He lost his sister (my bestfriend) in high school and we've always kind of had this bond since then. I don't want to bug him. I told him I was sad, he asked me why, I told him I missed Erin (my best friend) and Andy (my husband) and asked if he wanted to come distract me and I never heard from him so I guess that's a "no." I keep telling myself that he probably go busy at work but it's getting later and later and I don't know what time he gets off. I just keep trying to keep myself busy but it's really not working.
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2 Responses Oct 19, 2012

Please don't stop reaching out to people. They don't mean to be unkind; they simply don't know what to say. They are afraid that maybe they will say the wrong thing and unleash a torrent of tears; sometimes they worry that unhappiness can be contagious and if they associate with you, they will be unhappy too. It is unfortunate but people do tend to put self preservation before anything. Follow your loves and avocations and participate in activities you enjoy. You will create new contexts for yourself and meet people who WANT to be with you, not because they feel sorry for the poor widow but because they share your interests and enjoy your company. Wear bright colors, smile---even if you don't feel like it. The outer brightness will work its way inward. Trust me: this works.

i know how you feel. I lost my husband to cancer in June. My whole life is on its head. I believe the key is for us to find others who have gone through this to talk to because I dont think others really know what to say. God bless you and me