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What The Hell Just Happened Here?

On June 10, 2012 I took my husband to the ER because he was having difficulty breathing. We thought he had pneumonia. In the ER we joked about his exposure to breathing in too much smoke from a meat smoker he was working on. He lost his voice. For two weeks it didn't come back and then he couldn't lay down, eat or breathe, we went. He wanted to go the hospital that had litteraly save my life a year before when I had a quad. bypass. He felt safe there. They started running blood tests and did an echo cardigram. They found fluid build up around his heart, which they drained. Kept telling us they were waiting on test results. He was in CCU all the next day and doing better. Still didn't know what was going on, but trying to get him better before our Daughter came home from college for a visit. She wanted to come home immediately but I told her to wait until they had him feeling better, it was only 9 more days before she was going to be home. I spent my day in and out of CCU he seemed to be resting and doing better. I went home that night and got clothes and took care of our animals. Went back the next morning and went to the CCU. He didn't seem to be doing as well but he told me he felt better. I just remember he was so cold to the touch. I kept family and friends updated but didn't have any real diagnosis yet. At 8:30 pm that night he said he had to go the bathroom. I called in the nurses and left the room for 10min. Went outside, had a good cry and came back. They wouldn't let me pass the nurses station, I thought because they were trying to get him resettled. The head nurse came out and put her arm around me and asked, "Do you want us to keep trying?" Seven words that changed my life forever. I miss him so much and I can't forget any minute of those last 3 days. We were married 39 years. I have wonderful memories but i wanted so many more. I asked the nurse, "What the hell just happened?" Her reply, "They told you this morning that he had cancer" They never told me, they had told him that morning and he never told me. I truly Thank God that he didn't have to suffer, but I sure am. I thought maybe sharing this would help me. I hope so.
An Ep User An EP User 2 Responses Jan 12, 2013

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I am so sorry for your loss. Five years ago my husband was also fighting pneumonia. He had been to the doctor twice and they just kept switching his antibiotics. Late January he started coughing and said he felt like he couldn't breathe. He went to the emergency room and they did xrays. He had a collapsed lung and they were able to see a mass in his lung. The next day they did a biopsy and two days later he was diagnosed with lung cancer. They sent him home after letting us know we could hope for him to live for 6 months. He was diagnosed on a Monday and passed away that Friday night/Saturday morning.

I remember the shock, of not being able to process that all of it could have been really happening so much faster than I expected. I felt like my lungs were collapsing, I had a hard time breathing, eating, sleeping. That first year is all a blur right now but to this day I can relive every moment of his last week. The only thing that kept me going was that my kids needed me. Five years later I can say that we are all mostly better but that loss is still there, it is part of our daily life and we have adjusted to it. It took me a long time to feel comfortable with feeling happy again, but I am happy more often then I am sad and for me that is a definite win. Wishing you peace as you deal with your loss.

Losing someone you love is never easy. I lost my mom at 25, she suffered for 10 miserable years from als. I was such a brat back then. She never got to see the real me. The mature me. The responsible me who longs to hug her and thank her for putting up with me. 8 years later and my heart still hurts but I know she is in a better place and it makes me feel better. I hope in time you will feel better, too. One day, I hope I will be blessed with a great loyal wife like you have been to your husband ... Stay strong and stop feeling guilty, I promise I will, too!