After A 10 yr Battle I Lost The Love Of My Life The Day After Christmas...

My husband was dx in early 2004 with stage 4 colon cancer. stage 4 at diagnosis.. found out then it was genetic as his father had it as well and died in august 2007... Hubby had been complaining for over a yr of stomach pain/ bowel trouble for well over a yr... was dx with RA and then told the meds were making his stomach hurt... they never considered his family history at all. He did save his brothers life though because his siblings all get checked when we found out and one brother caught it in time before the polyps became cancer....unfortunately we were unable to locate the gene, so all our kids have a 50/50 chance of having it :( that means colonoscopies for life for all of them.. Our son ( he had 3 other sons as well) has already had one due to stomach troubles... turns out hes lactose intolerant...terrified me for months....

We were only married 4 years before we found out... 10yrs of sickness took its toll on us all....He had 5 major surgeries and was clean every time afterwards but it kept coming back and then it 2009 his oncologist stopped scanning him because he was doing so well... well they forgot to ever look at his last scan of 2008 which showed 3 small nodules in one lung.. it would have been operable... but because they overlooked that report he was left untreated for a whole yr and by the time i insisted on scans 9 months later it had spread to both lungs and was inoperable...a definite death sentence...i was completely devastated. he did chemo several dif yrs, btu not much as he hated it.. he did radiation once i 2010...other than that he opted for little or no treatment other than surgeries and he lived for 9 yrs..

I called a lawyer about the missing of the scan in 2009, but they said they couldnt take his case cuz he would have died anyway.. all they heard was stage 4 at diagnosis.. i guess drs can treat or not treat a patient that is stage 4 without any consequenses.. When i spoke to the dr.. he just sounded shocked.. We had been going to him for the whole time up til then and he was his fathers dr as well.. he just kept saying... "I have no explanation" I said what am i to tell his children? (he had 4, one with me and 3 sons to prior relationships).. he just didnt know what to say... i guess i finally accepted it....

he did a small course of chemo at CTCA in philly and a 3 week course of radiation, which helped a bit with the pain.... Oh my God the pain he endured! but he lived for 3 whole yrs like that til he finally passed on Dec 26... I was with him every step of the way until his last breath.. until his final heartbeat...

And now i have no idea what to do with myself... Who am I after all of this? I lived and breathed for him for all that time and now idk what to do... i feel lost... and empty...the empty feelings get me bad when i am alone... he was only 49.. died a few weeks shy of his 50th bday... i had known him since i was 17... married for almost 15... I do feel very blessed to have known him and to have had him even for the time we had... he taught me so much and knew me better than i know myself... I begged God for 5 years when he was diagnosed... our son was just starting kindergarten...and God gave us 9 yrs.. plenty of time for my son to get to know and love his Daddy...

he was our rock.. and now we are without him for the rest of our lives and it just breaks my heart....
joy143 joy143
41-45, F
1 Response Jan 22, 2013

Be strong for your son and for yourself. You will learn to experience joy again and God bless you.