Taken Too Soon.....

My husband of over 10 years was only 36 when he passed in his sleep.....the conditions of our relationship make it even harder. The one year anniversary is quickly approaching and I hurt still more than most can imagine. I met my love when I was 19......Turned him away at first. But he was one of those people that just grew on you......as annoying as he could be (LOL) he was my best friend. He wasn't my "type" he was a big guy, he was 5 years older than me and had a past....I remember thinking...run...ha-ha but I'm glad I didn't. After only 4 months he proposed, within a year of meeting him I married him and became pregnant with our first son. We weren't perfect, we had growing pains like every couple does....but I knew without any doubt he truly loved me. So imagine my surprise when after being married 10 years and having two beautiful children he came home with an STD?!?!?! He blamed me..... We both went and got tested and he was positive and I wasn't. Scientifically it was possible this was something he contracted long ago and just became active but obviously you could understand my doubt. It was the week of Thanksgiving last year. I wanted to be strong for our boys so we stayed together thru the holidays and he moved out the day after Christmas to give me space..... He wanted to reconcile.....honestly I did too, but didn't want to be that stupid girl....

He got an apartment....I remember the days he came home to get the rest of his things vividly as he looked at me and told me this was going to kill him, he couldn't lose his family..... I told him he was being dramatic and to just continue on being a good father to our beautiful boys..... 2 weeks later, I found him dead in his apartment.....a heart attack they said, in his sleep.....did I literally break his heart?

My husband was overweight.... to the tune of 341 pounds and both his grandfather's died of heart attacks, his father had already had two at this point as well but thank the lord survived thru them....so intellectually I knew this was possible.....but he was only 36..... did me pushing him away make this happen sooner? This was my struggle. Day in and day out....

My oldest son broke that day and I pushed my grief aside to help him cope....be the strong Mom, make it up to him, etc. etc.....

My youngest become overly loving even trying to compensate and "make Mommie better"....that caused guilt too, I just want them to be able to be kids.....not have this much gravity on them and have to help me.....I am supposed to protect them for hurt not the other way around, right?

I struggle daily still with understanding my faith and why this was ok.... even if he did really cheat on me he was a WONDERFUL father and didn't deserve to miss out on their lives....

How do you deal? How do you help your children? How do I cope? Anyone out there that may have a similar story.... please message me.

Initially because of our situation, people thought he had taken his own life....I knew in my heart that wasn't true and the scientist confirmed my beliefs.....he was just simply taken too soon for whatever God needed him for.....I just wish my boys could understand.

Thanks......
Moveon3511 Moveon3511
31-35
3 Responses Dec 12, 2012

Better to try the soup than rush in and burn your tongue.

Step fathers are best kept as boyfriens OUTSIDE the home.Ask CAS how many times they have to deal with abusive or sexual perverts that some woman brought into the home......too fast.

If you don't bring the guy home for 2-5 years then it gives your intuition and brain a chance to truley protect your children.When a person is in grief the rule of thumb is to wait 2 years before they make any BIG decisions.

Your kids need you and other family for the next few years.

Go on dates and trust no one until they show you who they are.That takes years.My wife and I waited 5 years to get married so we knew what we were getting.When I hear about someone rushing into a relationship I get scared for them.

WHEN PEOPLE RUSH I ASK THEM IF THEY HAVE A TERMINAL DISEASE..??? ...slow....down ....everyone !!

Powerful story. I feel so bad for you and your children. I hope that you can come to terms with your loss. I suggest a Grief and Loss group or a good therapist to help.

I don't have insurance now that he passed?

Try your local county mental health organizations, many have help available for those without insurance.

Yeah I have tried... they are just "great", not putting my kids in that environment. I'll go back to work soon and just get insurance for them so they are not subjected to such garbage.

Well.. your role as a mother is accomplished and that you now have to assume the role of the Father of the family and guide your children for life. For yourself you may have a companion outside of home, but don't bring a father home for your kids.

"Don't bring a father home for my kids? Like ever?" My oldest already asks me about things a woman shouldn't answer....I have a father that can help... but ever seems extreme..... you think I should never be with anyone at this point?

have replied in your other story. You may PM me some of his questions.. and I can help in possible answers... certain answers are best written as if captured from the net. If your father is willing, then better move in with him, so the kids feel secure and home. As to you, sure you need a companion or partner as well.. but its best kept outside as in you visit him or go places etc... but don;t involve your lives..

I've studied Psychology for 26 years and worked in the field for that time.I TOTALLY agree with 10RJFOX that said " but its best kept outside as in you visit him or go places etc... but don;t involve your lives.."

If I had a dollar for everyone that took a stranger home to meet their daughters or sons.That can and does go WRONG....in so many ways.

The children become attached but the relationship fades after a year or two and the jids suffer more loss.

The guy is a Pervert and offers to babysit to help you out.

When you have a solid relationship after 5 years on the outside and you know in your heart that he is SAFE and SANE or non abusive then it's time to introduce him.

I am basically against the concept of step father which is a vital position in a family. Its a sudden situation to both kids n the newcomer. They always see the other as a stranger taking advantage of the home and show resistance in the acess of home, things around, choice of tv program etc. Moreover couples set a trend as parents during childhood phase and kids see it as a stranger making use of mom n making her not available for them, which puts them in a shell.

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