My True Love Shattered Me....

I first saw him when I was 13 years old.  He walked into the Mosque and it was as if a glow was around him.  I had a strange feeling in my heart that he was the one.. I had no idea what his name was or how old he was, all I knew was that this was the man I was suppose to marry.  A few months later i went with my cousins to a hockey game and he was playing.  I asked my cousins if they knew him and they said yes his name is A--- and that he was 19 years old.  6 years older than me! After the game, I bundled up all my courage and went to him and said "Good game" and he looked at me and smiled and said "Thanks!"... I was smitten!!!

Years went by and I saw him on and off at mosque but never spoke to him again.. although I always knew he was the one... but I knew I was too young for him and that he didnt know I existed.. he even had a girlfriend... and then one day, my heart broke.. he was getting married!!! I was around 19 at the time and I remember seeing the wedding invitation that my grandma was given and I said to her "but he is suppose to marry me!"... she looked at me like I was crazy and said "He doesnt even know you exist!!"... my heart was broken but I said to myself.. "One day"..

In the meantime, I dated other guys, fell in and out of relationships and had my heart broken slightly once or twice.. but no one compared to A---.  In 2010 I was 23 and I got up enough courage to message A--- on facebook.  He was a personal trainer and I was an aerobics instructor so I messaged him about advice, and I noticed there were no pictures of him and his wife anymore... I didnt think anything of it because I was in a relationship but HE WROTE BACK! I was so excited and then in January (end) I met him at the mosque and actually sat down and talked to him face to face! We became friends after that and I found out him and his ex wife were going through a divorce, at the same time I found out my bf of the time cheated on me so we broke up... It was as if fate had made my dreams come true.  A--- and I went from being friends to boyfriend and girlfriend and I thought that this was meant to be!

We had our minor up's and downs, he was 31 and I was 24.. but I knew we could work through anything... or at least I thought I knew.. For 10 months we were happy most of the time, however we had our occasional fights.  He told me (In december) that he had found my engagement ring and it was perfect for me, and at that moment I knew that we would be together forever.. I thought this is a TRUE FAIRYTALE... little did I knwo that my Fairytale would turn into a horror movie...

In January we had a rough time.  I was still on and off mending my self-esteem and my insecurities of being cheated on previously and A--- and I fought quite a bit in Jan, however I knew we could fix it... and I was working on fixing it.. until Jan 26th when he shattered my world.... I will never forget his words:

" Maybe we arent meant to be together.. I mean maybe love just isnt enough... "  I was devestated, shocked, distraught... I felt like the life was sucked out of me... I was falling, drowining, dying...

I tried to convince him for 3 weeks to change his mind.. I wrote him 2 letters, I responded to all of his texts and phone calls... I begged and pleaded, I showed him how I was working on my insecurities and my issues... I tried to convince him to give me another chance... and in the end all he said to me was "I love you but right now I am not in love with you"... I have no idea what that means... but it finally hit me that I have lost the love of my life... and there is nothing I can do about it but to let go and let God handle it...

Everyday is a battle, a struggle, a fight.. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed, but I dont, I force myself to get out of bed everyday... I force myself to try and smile, to comb my hair and shower and get ready... i force myself to try and let him go and move on.. but my every thought is him,... my every prayer is that he will come back.. my every dream is him.... I know that everything happens for a reason and I know I have to have faith that God knows what he is doing...

They say that if you love something you set it free and if it comes back to you then it is yours.. but if it doesnt come back to you it never was yours... He set me free when he broke up with me and I came back.. maybe now its my turn to set him free and see if he comes back...... 
TaraRani TaraRani
22-25, F
4 Responses Feb 24, 2011

Maybe this was the fault. Aperson should never ever give up his entire life for another person even when this person is the big love! This can't be right.

Thank you so so so much for your comment. You know I have been doing A LOT of thinking and realized I gave up so much for him... I gave up my entire life for him because I loved him more than anything... and I start thinking to myself... "what did he give up for me?"... In the end, all he did was break all the promises he made and shatter me....

The person I believed to be my true love shattered me too. Even though at the time I was much younger than you are, I can relate to all the feelings you describe. He told me he loved me, wanted to be with me forever, and then left me behind to bleed on my own. I know how it feels. It's hell.<br />
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I set him free eventually. He never came back to me. And whenever I talk to him now it makes me realize that it wouldn't have worked out if he had. <br />
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However, I can still remember today how much something like this hurts, eats away at your insides, how torn up you must feel. I remember how much I wanted him back, how I desperately pleaded with every god I could think of to bring him back to me. Therefore, I also know that you don't want to hear that you can be happy alone or with someone else. Because I know how you feel, I will wish with you that he does come back. I will wish it with all my heart because I know how much it hurts, and I don't want anyone to feel like that.<br />
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But I do want you to know that I have found love again. It is possible. It gets better, it really does. Just hang in there.

Thanks Cherri, Im really trying... <br />
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I just cant believe he could say "i love you but right now im not in love with you" i mean what does that even mean!?... How could a man who promised me forever, who swore he would love me and no other just break me like this? <br />
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Any tips on how to "be good to myself"? Im running out of ideas...