Still Miss HerWe grew up together -- knowing each other since we were both about 3. We had fun together as part of a group growing up and even alone or with just us and her brother. Of course as kids we played doctor but it never went beyond that. As we grew up we saw less of each other but occasionally ran into each other.
I still remember the last time I saw her. We were driving down the same narrow street near our houses in opposite directions and stopped to talk. It was then that we truly talked for the first time in quite a while and had a more "adult" and "serious" talk. We had decided that we really did like each other and agreed that it was about time that we took it to the next level. We even casually talked about the concept of getting married after finishing college. The decision was made. Our first official date would be my taking her out to celebrate her birthday as it would be the last birthday of our teenage years. We parted with the kiss that we both had wanted for years and had been afraid to do until that day.
The date was scheduled for a few days after her actual birthday in 2 weeks The date never happened. The day after her birthday she collapsed of a brain aneurism. I visited her as soon as I learned about it and was there for hours. Even though she was in a coma, I wanted to touch her cheek and talk to her alone. But neither of our families knew what we had planned and we had wanted it to be our secret for the moment. Because of our agreement, I could not ask her family to allow me a few private minutes with her. Less than a month later she was dead, never coming out of the coma.
I mourn the loss and what might have been. I can't even remember the funeral or the burial because my mind was completely lost and I could not break the promise of secrecy I had made to her. It has been just over 20 years since then and it still hurts. I think part of the reason I have not found a girl to marry yet is because I lost the one I had found and her memory is there. I do feel guilty in that I have not visited her grave since the burial but I have never truly been able to say goodbye to her and seeing her grave and her name on it will bring up emotions are are too hurtful.
ManinNY 41-45, M 10 Responses 7 Jan 22, 2012