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Still Miss Her

We grew up together -- knowing each other since we were both about 3. We had fun together as part of a group growing up and even alone or with just us and her brother. Of course as kids we played doctor but it never went beyond that. As we grew up we saw less of each other but occasionally ran into each other.

I still remember the last time I saw her. We were driving down the same narrow street near our houses in opposite directions and stopped to talk. It was then that we truly talked for the first time in quite a while and had a more "adult" and "serious" talk. We had decided that we really did like each other and agreed that it was about time that we took it to the next level. We even casually talked about the concept of getting married after finishing college. The decision was made. Our first official date would be my taking her out to celebrate her birthday as it would be the last birthday of our teenage years. We parted with the kiss that we both had wanted for years and had been afraid to do until that day.

The date was scheduled for a few days after her actual birthday in 2 weeks The date never happened. The day after her birthday she collapsed of a brain aneurism. I visited her as soon as I learned about it and was there for hours. Even though she was in a coma, I wanted to touch her cheek and talk to her alone. But neither of our families knew what we had planned and we had wanted it to be our secret for the moment. Because of our agreement, I could not ask her family to allow me a few private minutes with her. Less than a month later she was dead, never coming out of the coma.

I mourn the loss and what might have been. I can't even remember the funeral or the burial because my mind was completely lost and I could not break the promise of secrecy I had made to her. It has been just over 20 years since then and it still hurts. I think part of the reason I have not found a girl to marry yet is because I lost the one I had found and her memory is there. I do feel guilty in that I have not visited her grave since the burial but I have never truly been able to say goodbye to her and seeing her grave and her name on it will bring up emotions are are too hurtful.
ManinNY ManinNY 41-45, M 12 Responses Jan 22, 2012

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how horrible. it does put a perspective at life's little problems at least there was some time together, even if ever so brief.

Thanks., Unfortunately so brief that it was just that one conversation of planning a future. I was very naive and stupid and had not realized that she had actually been after me for at least 3 years. It was only when we had that final discussion that I saw in my mind all the times she had done something or said something or alluded to something/dropped hints -- all of which I completely ignored (through naivete, stupidity, or just not paying enough attention to it since we were friends)

Unfortunately there is no way to reclaim what didn't happen. But yiu still have the memory, albeit too bried.

very sad i feel for u

Thank you

Sorry for your loss. Touching . Where in NY r u

NYC

What part? I could layover there

Your story makes me realise how lucky I am. I hope you find someone, she would want you to.

I was very moved when reading this, I hope someday soon you will find someone to share the rest of your journey and create a wonderful memories to look back on together!

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.

I am so sorry, in my life, I too have been broken down from loss, not necessarily loss of a loved one, unless you count pets, but I have lost self asteem, dignity, and yes, a small amount of sanity for a short period of time, I can not relate to this, but I can try to help you. Message me if you feel you need more support.

Thank you for the kind words and offer.

Lost love is truly tragic. Who knows why we lose people we love before their time. That is why I tell the people in my life that I love them, men and women, whenever I have the opportunity, as I lost my father in his late 50's very suddenly. Life is fleeting and our time is not guaranteed, so I try to live for each day and share and enjoy with those around me. I'm sure she took a lifetime of love with her and I hope that you can find someone to fill the void her loss has left behind, as I'm sure she would want you to have someone to share and experience life with. Best wishes.

Thank you

It's a tragic story and I feel terrible for your loss. It's time to move on. As your story exhibits, life is short and we must make every moment count as best as we can.

Sorry for your loss !

ManinNY, talk to her after you read this and tell her all your feelings let it out. she hears you. if you listen you will hear her calm you and it will flood into you.
my wife is not far from deaths door. we have had 46 years together. but you need to get on with life as you still feel for her. its not necessary to go to the grave only her bones are there.
her soul has moved on and a piece of it is still in you.
your in my prayers

What a poignent story. I am glad for your joy in the relationship and saddened by your loss. I have had a marvelous marriage and wouldn't want to exchange it for anything else; still, I suspect that each of us probably has many options that could become the "one perfect love". I hope you will always treasure your memories and be able to find new fullfillment in your life.

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I always will treasure her memory.

u r very fortunate.. atleast u got to know how much she liked you. <br />
n so many people marry the person they love but then repent later. but u will never repent... u know u had a wonderful person who liked you from the bottom of her heart.. n that will stay like that for eternity. n d love u both felt for each other can never die.. its immortal. u have her beautiful memories n u should cherish them. but u also shudnt close the doors to ur heart for others... who knows, there might be someone out there, who is probably waiting with all their love, for a guy exactly like you!

sorry for your loss..

Thank you