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And You Weren't Even Mine

i have never been the one to believe in love. i find it hard to believe that anyone would even like me. but this past summer i met this guy at my job and he changed my opinion on love.

when i first saw him i have to admit i tried not to stare. it wasnt because he was as stunning as a greek god or anything, its just that there was something about him. something i couldnt put my finger on. i can remember he would look back at me and his look was pretty indifferent. it made me a bit uncomforable. im not too sure (my mind is failing me at the moment) but the first time we actually spoke he came over and sat at the same table as me and we talked about the stuff on our phones.

i can only really remember a few words we said to each other in passing after that. things like when i told him "thoes will kill ya." when i see him smoking. or like when i had to call to where he was and he answered and he said "your looking beautiful today." and i said, "yea, right." and he said, "no really." then of course i do remember the conversation. the conversation we had that totally messed with my head.

it was late, we would be closing up soon and everyone was just hanging around. he came over to where i was and for awhile we just talked about random things and played around with some of the equipment. then out of no where he came out and asked if i had a boy friend. i honestly did at the time, in fact im still with him, but for some reason i said "not anymore." he gave me a confussed look and i told him that my bf and i broke up because i caught him chaeting on me (a true story but not about the guy i was with at the time). so for a short time we talked about our exs. finally that ended and we starte talking about other things.  he talked alot about himself (only because i was so quite), he has lived a very interesting life. he told me about the hard times he has had and how he overcame them (his positive outlook just radiates from him), he talked about his best friend (who also worked with us) and how his bff saved his life and how much he trusted him.

it was at this point that he said something like "i trust what he says and thinks. so like if he thinks a girl is good for me i'll believe him." i noticed he looked right up at me when he said that, and it was like he was daring me to look him in the eyes. after that we were told to start closing up and he quickly wrote his number and told me to call when ever i wanted to just talk or hang out.

i didnt think anything of the conversation until after. i replayed the whole conversation over and over again in my head until i realized that he was trying to tell me he was interested. in me! i never called him though. i never call anyone, i get exterm anxiety sometimes when i have to use the phone. he ended up moving to a different position and i hardly saw him. by the time i quit at summers end i was sure he had forgotten me compleatly. i felt (still feel) like a total a**. i should have called him, i should have done something. he was is the perfect guy.

i realized far too late that i could have loved him and i could have been happy with him. now im stuck and i feel more alone then anything. i wish i could go back to that night and just re-do the whole conversation and ask him out or something. but since that is never going to happen the only thing left is to wish him the very best. he deserves the very best that life has to offer and nothing less. i still wish that the "very best" would include me.

i loved you, and you weren't even mine.

netgurl netgurl 18-21, F Oct 28, 2008

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