Trying to Live Alone

after one year of getting hurt , i still work out to stay calm and stable , and you know i still cry everynight . i am just now not able to trust on anyone but in spite of this now i started to learn to live alone , not to express my grief to everyone . I still love him madly and sometime i call him by another number to just hear his voice . manytimes i decided to completely give up but at the same time he called me . I don't know whether he also loves me or not but sometime i also feel that he is also feeling the pain , deep pain , like me . He shows himself very rude to me but I don't know why i feel that he also loves me even  when he don't show any sign for it .

sometime i think that may be it is not a love , just insanity then what is the love . I don't understand

smilewithpain smilewithpain
22-25, M
2 Responses Apr 16, 2009

I had a love like that. We both realized that we were destroying each other - but couldn't stay apart despite breaking up. It was agonizing, the realization that you have to realign your life to try and be "without" instead of "with".<br />
Our relationship was a disaster because we were so hardheaded about love neither one of us wanted to accept it wasn't meant to be. Kind of like pounding your head into a brick wall to try and understand the simplest concept - futile and destructive.<br />
I think it's hard to convince your heart what your head already knows - it's over. Hearts are stupid - deaf and dumb. It only knows feelings, no logic, no common sense. It sounds like he's having a difficult time dealing with this as well. It takes time, honey, time and space. It's like learning to hold your breath - a little bit everyday until one day you feel like you can hold it forever.<br />
I still love him, mostly because he taught me that I was someone who can be loved. The fact that our break up tore him up as much as it did me also tweaks my ego a little. At one point in my life - I was a person worth agonizing over.

That also happened to me.. Its not love, mabye it is, mabye it isn't. Its an unhealthy "love" its called obsession.. :( I had that for 5 years with my first love after we broke up, 3 years of waste.. Yet I still "loved" him.. Now he has a girl and I live to accept that, now we are brother and sister. :)<br />
I hope your situation turns out better in your future.