I Can't Believe She's Really Gone....................now What Do I Do?

In October Mom was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. How can that be? The one person on earth I have always considered to be immortal, I always thought that she'd out live me. It's not possible for her to go first. It's not the way I wanted it. I sound and feel like a little kid when I say that  "it's not fair"! Why her? What has she done to deserve such a death sentence? She's always been such a good person. Always doing for others before or even IF she thought of herself. I'm angry. She deserved better than this. She deserved so much more from life than what she was dealt & lived through. I'm filled with regrets, lost wishes I wanted for her.

I haven't even begun to deal with the diagosis and yet we just lost her on April 27th! I have only the comfort of knowing she didn't have to suffer the coming misery that was to be hers. Don't get me wrong, she was in pain but nothing compared to what lay ahead for her. I do know she's in a better place now. She's with her Mom, Dad, Brother & Sister. She's not in any pain anymore. She's whole & happy now. But oh how I miss her! I keep picking up the phone to tell her some stupid thing or just to check in with her. Every time I walk into her house I expect to see or hear her.

I'll have to add more to this later, it's too hard to do now.......words, thoughts & feelings are stuck inside not knowing how to come out & make sense. For anyone reading these stories, if you still have your Mom around, give her a hug & tell her how much you love her. Every chance you get, while you still have her. Appreciate still having her here with you. Please.

sumanitutanka sumanitutanka
46-50, F
8 Responses May 13, 2010

I lost my mom to cancer yesterday. She was fine until two weeks ago. I mean we were out scouting wedding sites for my fiance and I. and now poof, she's not here? I feel incredibly confused and alone. I feel like I've been hit by some terrible cancer bus that is now speeding away. I bet you understand.

I lost my father to cancer some 16 years ago this December, at the age of 60. He was diagnosed at the end of July 1994 and was gone 2 weeks after his birthday in Dec. I hardly had time to wrap my head around it, myself. <br />
I understand catching yourself when you want to talk to her, expect to see her... I still catch myself wanting to call him, wishing I could see him. I miss his laughter. <br />
<br />
You are not alone... <br />
(((Hugs))) to you

hi suman- I too lost my mom from cancer in feb of 2005. It has been this long and no matter what people tell u, the pain is never going to go away, people say it gets easier, not true. At least not for me. Every single day at one moment or another i find myself thinking about her which eventually brings on tears, I have probably cried rivers of them since she left us. She was my rock and the glue that kept our family together, now NOTHING is the same, our family has been torn apart, holidays are the worst, I am the oldest of 3, my 2 brothers are so consumed with things they should not be doing, they are borrowing (taking cuz its never paid back) too much money from my father who isn't in the greatest of health either, I almost lost him last yr when he had a massive heart attack and then hospitalized again with a massive gastrointesinal bleed out, thank God that He wasn't ready for him yet and the drs were able to save him each time, I thank God every day for my dad, i love him so much I couldn't bear it if he were to die too, It has been six yrs almost and as I sit here typing the tears are falling on the keyboard, there have been times as well that I have thought maybe dying myself just to be with her, but deep down inside i know that is not possible, however my depression never leaves me, I see a therapist and a psychiatrist due to the fact that I cannot seem to sleep anymore, my head just races with thoughts of "what if's", I live with the guilt that I did not do enough for her, that somehow it was my fault, that we should never have let her have the surgery, she might even still be with us today because one of her drs said that tumor in her lung was so big that it had probably been growing inside there for a very long time. About talking to people about the one u r grieving for, people will tell u they will be there for u but in my experience more people in my life just disappeared, never to hear from them again, and some of these people are my own family, mostly those on my mom's side, but do u think anyone ever really did mean it?? cuz my phone never rings anymore. I am lonely since she died even though I'm grown, I too have found myself absentmindedly pick up the phone to talk to her and then it hits me all over again. I too have no one to talk to, my husband has to listen to it all, thank God for him as well, he is the one , the ONLY one who can calm me down when it gets real bad, how i wish all those people really would have been there for me, who knows, might have made a difference. God bless you and anyone eles who might read this, you are so not alone.

Thank You very much, cocobutter. I miss her more than I thought humanly possible! She's never not on my mind. I know it's selfish of me but I wish she were still here with us. Yet I also know the pain she would have been in if she were so I guess it's best she didn't have to endure any more of that. She's at peace & happily with her family now so I have to learn to keep going with just memories. I do regret not telling her how much I loved & appreciated her everyday! I spent the last 10 days with her 24/7 and told her I loved her every chance I got but for all those years before I could have but didn't verbally say the very things I felt. She's a great Mom I wish I could have been half as good to her as her daughter. I would have loved to have made her proud.

Thank you so much puck61. It still hasn't hit me yet. It's been almost a month now & I still can't believe she's really gone. <br />
LonelyWanderer, you've been so much help and so supportive to me. I truly appreciate it. You've helped me stay strong. With all my troubles here I've neglected you & I'm sorry for that. Hopefully things will get less hectic & start to normalize.

I miss my mother too. Cancer took her in 2004. I hope that the empty place inside you turns to sweet memories.

Thank you. I take great comfort in knowing that she's not going to suffer anymore of the pain she was in nor is it going to get any worse for her. She's whole & happy where she is now. She's also surrounded by her loved one's who have gone before her. I know she'll be waiting for me when it's my time to leave this planet. For now I just have to learn how to be without her.

it's difficult when you lose someone, especially to such a cruel disease as cancer, but like you say shes not in pain anymore, i guess thats all you can take comfort it.