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A Piece Of My Heart Is Missing

I lost my mama to adrenal cancer almost a year ago, and that was the day that a piece of my heart was gone forever.  She passed away about three weeks after her diagnosis.  It seemed like all the cards were stacked against her.  First it was just her adrenal gland, then we found out it was in her lungs and liver and eventually they found it had gone to her blood stream. 

I sat with my mom everyday and even spent some nights by her bedside in the hospital for those last three weeks.  We spent hours praying, and sharing heart to heart moments telling eachother how much we loved eachother.  The whole time, I was trying not to let the thought of her actually passing into my mind.  But deep inside, I knew the cancer was so bad, but I was so scared to lose the one person in my life who was always there for me and loved me no matter what.  I was clinging to the hope for a miracle, but all of that was lost a week after she started chemo.  The chemo is what finally took my  mom's life and wittled her away to nothing.

My mom was a one in a million woman, and her cancer was a one in a million rare type too.  She was such a beautiful, kind, loving, pure-hearted, Christian woman an devoted mother.  She would give her friends and family everything she had before she even thought about herself.  She lived by example and was exactly how a Christian should show love to others and live their life.  It was so hard dealing with the fact that such a horrible cancer could grip such a sweet, kind person.  It just didn't seem fair.  But my mom never once said "why me".  She just started praying and asked God to heal her.  And although He didn't heal her on this earth, he gave her the greatest gift ever and he healed her soul - he took her home with him to walk with him and spend eternity with him.

I think my mom knew that it was her time to go home, and I think that God spared her from months or years of suffering by taking her after only three weeks.  Our prayers were answered.  Although my brothers and I were not there with her when she took her last breath, I truly believe that she wanted us to remember her the way she was when she was healthy. 

I still hear my little brother calling me to tell me that our mom has cancer and another phone call in the middle of the night letting me know she had passed.  But I also still hear my mom whispering "I love you" in my hear, I still feel her kiss on my cheek and the feel of her hug.  I still remember every little thing about the way she looked and smelled and everything she taught us.

Now that I am pregnant with my own child and the feelings of last year are starting to come back to me again, its really hard to not have her here with me.  There are so many things that she will miss out on, and I feel like she and her children were robbed of so many more happy memories.  But she left us with so many wonderful memories and good times, and I feel so lucky that I had such a wonderful person in my life to call "mama" even if for only 28 years.  I feel so happy for my mom that all the struggles, sadness and pain she had to endure in life is now gone, and she is experiencing peace, love and happiness beyond anything I can imagine.  She is now with her one true love, the Lord Jesus Christ, and someday I will be reunited with her for eternity.

Even though I can't call her everyday like I used to or go shopping with her every weekend, or lay in bed and talk endlessly about everything and anything, I know that I have an angel watching over me all of the time, shining down on me and smiling.  I love you mama, you are the reason I am everything I am today.  You will always be my mama, and I will always be your little girl, that will never change.
mazdagirl06 mazdagirl06 26-30 2 Responses Dec 26, 2011

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Wow... That just brought tears to my eyes. My mom passed 2 years ago and everything you just said I felt like I was reading about me. you explained everything I feel right down to the T... I kind of got stuck in feeling sad about the moments she wont be here to witness. My sister just had twins and I know it wieghed on her that our mom wasnt hear for it. But after reading your story I now feel inspired and empowered. Thank you for sharing your story. :)

i want you 2 remember that your mom is here with you and she will be proud 2 see in a good health and a successful person.... i have been in your place 17th november and i know how it feels and we are 2gether in this group 2 support and advice each other