I Wrote This When My Mom Died. I Want People To Read It But I Never Knew How To Get It Out There. It's Me....it's Honest.

I called my dad right when they called me. I was going to walk to the hospital but he said he would be right home to pick us up and not to go anywhere. So I waited and it felt like it took forever but the truth is he probably ran every red light and broke every law getting home. And when he got here Jeramine wanted to go with us but I said no and he said no but then as he looked in jeramines eyes he couldn’t leave him at home and he couldn’t pretend like Jeramine didn’t know what was happeiong because he did. You see even a child 4 years old can sense when things are wrong. That’s what they do best actually. That’s why in the movies the children always say “why are you crying”.
As we were in the car nobody said a thing but I could feel the tears starting to form in my eyes and I tried so hard to hold them back. All it took was my dad to say “I knew this was gonna happen” for them to all come out. I hate the way they come unexpectedly. I tell them no but they don’t care, they never listen. But sometimes when they do come, even when I don’t want them to I feel like they know me. I feel like they are the only ones who know me. So I let them stay for awhile.
We got to the hospital and as we walked I felt every wall I passed trying to think about what to do next but not knowing what I was thinking. We got to this place where the doors were locked and they wouldn’t let us in. The doctor talked to us through a microphone and said that in a while he would come out and talk to us. It became awhile, which was basically forever and the doctor called my dad in to talk to him. He came out and started crying and at that point I had to look away. I couldn’t think, I tried to keep myself from thinking because every thought I had wasn’t what I wanted. He told us the doctor said there was no chance for her, unless they were to perform surgery which would probably crack her skull and her ribs and put her in worse shape, and my dad said “let her go”. They put her on a breathing machine to try to keep her alive so everyone could say their goodbyes. Someone was going to have to tell them to pull the plug at some point and this was the worst feeling. You feel as if you are killing someone before they are willing to go. But sure enough, my mom made it easy for us. Just like she always did. Before we could pull the plug she let herself go. I took this as a sign, that she was ready to not feel any pain and she was ready to be with her daughter and brother and so many others in her family that she missed. I took it as her saying its our turn. We need to step up. And that’s just what I did.
All I think about is that morning when she called me, and she left me a voice message like she did almost every morning at 6am, because when your in a hospital you cant really sleep all that much, which is understandable. But I looked at my phone, and I turned it off. And I listened to 2 words of the message and then deleted it. See she left me messages every morning, and im not a morning person so I didn’t answer because I didn’t want too. If only I knew that me not being a morning person would make me feel like this. If I only I had thought to go see her more after school when before I got home, or to call her more. We spent Christmas with her in the hospital. We spent Valentines day with her home, and we spent her birthday with her ashes.
Now I spend everyday with Jeramine, I play the 16 year old mom. And I spend everyday with a drunk dad, I play the person getting yelled at, but I also play the loved girlfriend. Which is the only thing keeping me able to write this story. I started then I stopped, but as I sit here and think deeper and deeper, I try to not forget. I try to remember. Because Feeling pain is better than not feeling at all. Or atleast that’s what I hear.
Icaretoomuch Icaretoomuch
18-21, F
May 11, 2012