I Lost My Mom To Bbreast Cancer Almost 3 Months Ago

Hi. My name is Marissa. I just turned 21 last month, and lost my mother to stage 4 breast cancer on april 2, 2012.
My mother and I lived together in NYC. We were closer than close. I never felt a connection to anyone else as strong as I did to my mom. We did everything together. When I found out in january of 2011 that she was diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt myself driffting away from her. I distanced myself a little bit, I suppose to prepare for the worst. When she told me she was seriously ill and was told by the doctors that she was going to die within the next few months, I accused her of being dramatic. I cried about it but I did not believe she would actually die. There is no need to go into the final moments of her life, since it is too painful for me to think about.

I have not really mourned my mothers death until now. I met a guy around the time my mom was dying, who is now my boyfriend. This has helped with distracting me from the loss of my mom, but now I am feeling the strong pain. I cry everytime I look at her picture. I go to work and I look up movies of loss online. I would join a support group, but I'm not good at committing to things. Especially after a longs day of work.

I'm looking for someone who has gone through a similar loss, who can talk to me and comfort me.

Right now I get to comfort from my dad. He has lost his mind since my mother has passed. And my boyfriend has not mentioned or asked about my moms death. I'm not sure if he feels awkward about it or he just doesn't want me to be reminded, but this leaves me with no one to talk to except my therapist and my family, who do not know what I am going through.

Please, any advice would help.

thank you
MRK5791 MRK5791
3 Responses Jun 19, 2012

I can surely understand your pain. I lost my mother to colon cancer on 11th of July this year. Our loss can never be compensated. I was there with my mum when she passed away. I can never forget that moment. The sight of my mother lying lifeless in front of me was too much to bear.<br />
I had been very close to mum since always. We grew closer since I was the only one near her during her illness. The idea of spending my life without her mortifies me. I don't know how I will survive. I don't have words to describe how much I miss her each moment of my life.

Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. It's hard because you could be distracted by work or school or anything, and then you'll hear a song or see a mom and daughter on the street, or something that reminds you of your mom, and it's like... reality really hits you in the face. And it is so difficult. I was thinking the other day how I wll never go shopping with my mom again, something we liked to do on fridy nights. I'll never get to cuddle up next to her to watch a movie. Or go to her favorite place with her again, the beach. It really is so hard.

The images of her dying always pop into my head and I push them out as much as I can because even the tiniest thought of it sends me over the edge.

I know what you are going through SSNZ. Try and just let yourself cry about it. let yourself be sad. Then maybe the thought of your mom will comfort you soon, instead of hurt you.

I'm here to talk. it would help the both of us actually.

I can't help being immensely sad. Last three years were filled with an obsession to keep mum alive and help her fight this disease. Within seconds it ended and left me empty handed. I am left with nothing except her memories and belongings.
I came back home yesterday after staying at my grand mom's place for a few days. Out of habit the first thing I did when I woke up was to call out mum and look for her. Then it suddenly hit me that she'll never answer or come looking for me upon hearing my voice. It shook my whole existence. Each and everything thing in my life reminds me of her. Just like you, I keep on thinking how I will never be able to go for a movie or shopping with her. How she won't be there to share our happiness or sorrow. How there would be no more scoldings to be heard. No more hugs or kisses from her. It's just too difficult to bear. Sometimes even crying doesn't help anymore.

I know exactly what you mean. i always think like you do. And when i cry about my mom, i can only cry for a few moments before i can;t take the literal pain so i stop crying. I cant bawl my eyes out for her, it's too painful. It doesnt help. Sometimes at work i just go into the bathroom and let out a few tears, that helps sometimes.

It's good that you are working. It cannot take your mind off your memories completely but it still diverts your mind, even if it is for a time being.
Sometimes it gets really difficult to explain how I feel. Words are just not enough. I recently got a couple of my mum's photographs enlarged and got them hung in every room. She looks beautiful in all of them. This way at least the first face that I would see in the morning would be hers, be it in pictures at least.
People say their money and jewels are their most treasured possessions. How shallow they are. I say my treasure is my mother's belongings. Her photographs, her clothes, her bags, even the kitchen utensils that she used. Everything in my house has a memory of her attached to it. I just cannot part with those things which are a constant reminder of her.
Death is cruel. How it changes everything in a matter of a few seconds. Sometimes I just wish death would come to me soon. But I am not that lucky.

I agree. That is so great that you put up her photo in every room in your house. I think I will do the same. I want to feel her all around me, so yes, her belongings are my biggest treasures as well. The last article of clothing she ever wore, is something i sleep near every night. I too wish death would come soon for me also. Because I cant deal with this pain. and i just want to be with my mom.

This pain will never reduce. People say time is a healer. I say it isn't. With each passing day, the feeling of how great my loss is, increases monumentally. Each second reminds me of how I will remain deprived of my mother's love and support for ever.
With my mother's death I have developed a strong feeling of anger and contempt. I have become frustrated and sad. Why did this have to happen to my mother. She did nothing to deserve this. She had a heart of gold. She was as innocent as a child. Always wanted good for everyone. She wasn't lucky to have come across good people. But still she never complained. The most generous person I have ever known. And this is how her end came. With so much pain. So many things unsaid. So many dreams yet to be fulfilled. Why her. The injustice enrages me.

3 More Responses

I forgot to add that in the last few months of her life, I too would distance myself to fight the pain of the thought of losing her. I would sleep over every Saturday night at my boyfriend's house and I kept coming home later and later every Sunday that would go by. I should have been home with her, but sometimes I couldn't bear the pain of spending so much time with her anymore because I knew it would hurt more once she was gone. I feel we both have too much love for our mothers to feel guilty about anything we might have done wrong. They know how much we loved them and would not want us to hurt everyday anymore.

Hi gingerale24. I sent you a personal message to your mail on this site, in response to your reply to me.

I am 22 years old and lost my mother to pancreatic cancer last Saturday. I don't know if I can comfort you, but I can tell you I know your pain. I raised my voice to my mom the last Sunday of her life because I thought she was being dramatic and stubborn that day about getting out of bed. <br />
My mom and I also had a very close relationship, so this plagues my heart with pain. We both need to think about how our moms loved us and that they know we loved them back, even in those moments.