My Mother, My Best Friend At Birth, I Miss You And Will Love You Forever

I think cancer is in the water. Not really, but it's everywhere. She had always been a sickly person..fibromyalgia, benign essential tremors, and just get sick easily. I was always there for her, we would talk for hours about nothing and everything. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer about 2 years ago. They said they caught it early, it was the aggressive kind. She went through 6 months of chemo and 6 months of radiation. It was hard on her. Her scans showed it was gone from her breast. Thank Goodness we thought. A few months after she was done with all the treatments, she began complaining of severe headaches. June 2011, we were told she had 2 tumors in her brain. It was told to me over the phone, like nothing. I'm a medical person, I knew this wasn't good. She then began the focalized radiation on her head, chemo damaged her heart she couldn't have that again. It seemed to have decreased the size of one of the tumors, but then another scan showed they became one...a little bigger than before. Her thought process and communication were affected extremely. She would start talking about something out of left field and I'd try to keep up and not make it obvious. She'd forget completely what she was talking about the next second in a conversation. Her muscle mass was deteriorated in all the treatments and wasn't able to walk well at all. She would fall sometimes, thankfully never hurting herself too bad. She went into a nursing home to try to become stronger, they let her go because she wasn't progressing well at all. She was home bound, not allowed to go anywhere. I was told to be strong, people said they thought I was a strong person. But man, I didn't feel like it inside. I was told to be positive, but I knew the truth. To watch someone you love so dearly, and know what is coming..I feel like I lost her before she actually went. I couldn't have conversations with her anymore, I couldn't call her because the connection between her mind and mouth seemed to be worse on the phone. Brain cancer can bring out anger and pent up feelings and thoughts. It was bad, she had rages against my dad every day just about, accusing him of things that weren't happening at the time. I feel like there is so much I couldn't say. I always had my mom to turn to, but I didn't anymore. Approximately in April, she was told she was terminal, that she had 2 months left to live. Hospice got involved, she stayed home for her well being. Everything they said would happen, did. She began having trouble swallowing and would choke on water. She didn't recognize some people. Then a week before she died, she was like in a coma. Couldn't talk, open her eyes or anything. I think she could hear us, she would try to talk and you could verily hear sound coming from inside. My mom died on June 3rd 2012, she was 65. I don't feel like I can go on. This pain is unimaginable unless you have experienced it. I want to hold her, see her, talk to her..but I can't anymore. I want to be with her. I don't want to be here. I have a husband and 2 children, and people that love me. I know I can't take my life, besides suicide won't take me to heaven where she is. This life is too hard. I went to a counselor a couple times and I'm on an antidepressant and anxiety med. But it's just a bandaid. People say it will get easier, but if'll be a long time before it does. I am lost and need my Mom so badly. She led a life of unrelentless faith, a beautiful soul. Everyone she came across, loved her. HE wanted her back...but IT'S NOT FAIR. I am so sorry for all who have gone through and are going through the same thing. I know it feels hopeless, but it has to get better. I can't live my life like this, I'm afraid I'll damage my children and marriage. I want to run away, but I can't. I came online to see if I could find any books that might help, and I found this site. I felt like sharing my story, hoping to feel better to get this off my chest. My heart is truely broken. BLESS US ALL!!
estrellita75 estrellita75
41-45, F
Sep 8, 2012