Lost My Mother......

My mother and I are best friends...
Perhaps...given the circumstances I should say "were" but even in Death, I know she is near. She was very fond of her cigarettes, from the age of 13 she had smoked them... her preferred brand were Marlboro Reds 100's.
I had begged her to quit, even tried to hide them, but she was disabled, and I didnt want to do anything to stress her out and cause her pain. So, she continued to smoke....
When we moved from Texas to Virginia, me, mom and my grandmother moved in with my aunt and uncle... She grew ill and we all believed it was pneumonia, but she refused to go to the hospital, perhaps she was afraid of the diagnosis that was sure would come...either way, she delayed going to the hospital, steadily growing weaker and weaker.
On Christmas of 2008, she was unable to join us at the table for Christmas dinner and a couple days later on the 27th she finally allowed us to take her to the hospital. She was so frail by that time, my uncle had to carry her. She was diagnosed with cancer that had originated in her lungs, but by that time, it had spread to nearly encompass all of her body, even her brain.
At that time was when she signed the DNR and set up home hospice... They provided nurses and a hospital bed was sent to our home to keep her comfortable.
But she was dying, and nothing could ease her pain....or mine. I steadily watched my once strong and radiant mother grow weaker and weaker, til one day, she was trying to stand up to begin the day, and she couldnt lift herself, as light as her body had grown, she still could not do it...
I remember watching her, trying to lift her own weight, and her not being able to. I remember the exact moment when she gave up... gave up trying to lift herself, gave up trying to get better. That was the moment she had resigned herself to that fate. The moment she let out a tiny sigh, slumping her shoulders in defeat and perhaps shame, tears gathering in her eyes in frustration, fear, and pain....
I leaned in and touched foreheads with her, looked her in the eyes, tried to comfort her as we sat and cried together. I will never forget that moment.
Her decline was swift after that... she lost her mobility, becoming bed ridden and had to be given Morphine for the pain. We had to feed her baby food because of her delicate digestive system and on my 18th birthday, on January 22nd, 2009, I had gone to see her, and check on her.. and she was like a child once more. As if she had reverted back. At the time, I dont think she recalled that it was my birthday.. and she kept asking for doughnuts that we didnt have... When I tried to tell her that we didnt have any doughnuts...but that there WAS cake, she began to cry and asked me meekly in the voice of a child why was I being so mean to her? I begged her to not cry and fed her some cake before she fell back to sleep. Then I went and cried my eyes out.
It was the worst birthday I ever had...
A couple days later, on the 24th, I walked in her room to check on her and she began to sing in a weak, soft whisper, "Happy Birthday". I was so touched that even though it was late and she was going through so much, she still managed to remember.... and I knew the Mother who gave birth to me, and raised me, nurtured and loved me, was still in there, trapped in a failing body and delirious mind.
After that, she pretty much became comatose... always alseep.. only waking up to moan from the pain, to be given another dose of Morphine that sent her back to sleep.
The whole time I had lived there, I had become nocturnal, going to sleep at 10 am and waking up at 5 pm.. on the night of January 26th and the early morning of January 27th I had been distraught over my mothers rapidly declining health, and I remember saying, "If its her time, I just want God to take her and end her pain..."
At around 7am I went to take my dog outside to use the restroom before I fell asleep and found that it had snowed lightly..
All throughout the winter I had wanted snow, and was disappointed, not even having a snowy Christmas. But strangely enough, as I gazed out at the lightly falling snow, and at the thin layer of ice that had gathered on my porch, the christmas lights reflecting upon it, I thought that it would be wonderful to go to God on such a perfect morning...and KNEW that today was the day.... somehow...
Instead of going back inside and falling asleep, like I had intended, I stayed up to watch the snow fall.. and at 9 am, I began to feel an itch in the back of my throat that I could not find relief from, and began coughing. Then as quickly as the strange sensation came, it was gone.
my aunt walked into my room not 5 minutes later saying my mother was gone...
At her wake, I read Edgar Allan Poe's "For Annie", and found that the poem fit perfectly. I know she is better now... she truly soars the skies now, like she used to in her dreams...
RazielGalizur RazielGalizur
26-30, F
3 Responses Sep 14, 2012

I just finished reading your story. I still have tears in my eyes.
I lost my mom too on 4th July 2012 after cancer in pancreas.
Some of the things you wrote here are similar to my experience. It is really sad...I'm so sorry for you!

Your story made me cry. I lost my mom too. The pain they were in. I'm sorry.

I try not to think of her like that.. because in life..while I didnt get to be with her as long as I would have wished.. I know it was time. She lived a full life, and she even got to see her youngest child become an adult.. she's better now, and looking out for me and mine.

For Annie
Thank Heaven! the crisis,
The danger, is past,
And the lingering illness
Is over at last—
And the fever called "Living"
Is conquered at last.

Sadly, I know
I am shorn of my strength,
And no muscle I move
As I lie at full length—
But no matter!—I feel
I am better at length.

And I rest so composedly,
Now, in my bed,
That any beholder
Might fancy me dead—
Might start at beholding me,
Thinking me dead.

The moaning and groaning,
The sighing and sobbing,
Are quieted now,
With that horrible throbbing
At heart:—ah, that horrible,
Horrible throbbing!

The sickness—the nausea—
The pitiless pain—
Have ceased, with the fever
That maddened my brain—
With the fever called "Living"
That burned in my brain.

And oh! of all tortures
That torture the worst
Has abated—the terrible
Torture of thirst
For the naphthaline river
Of Passion accurst:—
I have drank of a water
That quenches all thirst:—

Of a water that flows,
With a lullaby sound,
From a spring but a very few
Feet under ground—
From a cavern not very far
Down under ground.

And ah! let it never
Be foolishly said
That my room it is gloomy
And narrow my bed;
For man never slept
In a different bed—
And, to sleep, you must slumber
In just such a bed.

My tantalized spirit
Here blandly reposes,
Forgetting, or never
Regretting, its roses—
Its old agitations
Of myrtles and roses:

For now, while so quietly
Lying, it fancies
A holier odor
About it, of pansies—
A rosemary odor,
Commingled with pansies—
With rue and the beautiful
Puritan pansies.

And so it lies happily,
Bathing in many
A dream of the truth
And the beauty of Annie—
Drowned in a bath
Of the tresses of Annie.

She tenderly kissed me,
She fondly caressed,
And then I fell gently
To sleep on her breast—
Deeply to sleep
From the heaven of her breast.

When the light was extinguished,
She covered me warm,
And she prayed to the angels
To keep me from harm—
To the queen of the angels
To shield me from harm.

And I lie so composedly,
Now, in my bed,
(Knowing her love)
That you fancy me dead—
And I rest so contentedly,
Now in my bed
(With her love at my breast).
That you fancy me dead—
That you shudder to look at me,
Thinking me dead:—

But my heart it is brighter
Than all of the many
Stars in the sky,
For it sparkles with Annie—
It glows with the light
Of the love of my Annie—
With the thought of the light
Of the eyes of my Annie.

Tania Lee G.

I also feel bad for my older brother, who was unable to move with us to Virginia, so he wasnt able to see our mother in her final moments, which in my opinion, was for the best... Im glad he didnt have to see her like that, he gets to remember her how she was before she grew ill, when she was still strong, instead of being haunted by visions of her pain. The last thing she said to him before we left was, "We will meet again, some sunny day..." aahhh... a Pink Floyd fan until the end.

-Pink Floyd-

Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?
Remember how she said that
We would meet again
Some sunny day?
Vera! Vera!
What has become of you?
Does anybody else in here
Feel the way I do.... ?