Mom's Gone..

I lost my mother two years ago; she was 54. She was diagnosed with breast cancer ten years ago. I was 18, my sister 15. Those years were supposed to be the beginning of everything. (see, my sister had cancer when she was a child and she survived. My family's been through a lot). The following years were supposed to be our "break"; a "breath of fresh air", a time to take it easy... Life had other plans. Now we've sort of "wasted" most of our twenties and trying to somewhat pick up where we left off. Only, none of us know how to do this. And everyone around us seems to think it's the simplest thing to do...because we're (still) young..

I love how everyone, every relative, every friend, even acquaintance went crazy with worry for my father's well-being, seeing as he lost his soul-mate. "What will he do now? How will he live when his daughters have left the house? Will he live alone? He needs to find someone to take care of him. I doubt his daughters will want to do that!"
Reasonable concerns; true. But what of us? You know, most of these people are over 45 and still have their mothers... That means something. My father lost a companion, a soul-mate, etc etc and I lost a mother. She didn't see me work, she didn't see my home, she didn't see her daughter (my sister) graduate, she will never see us married, or as mothers with families of our own.

Right now I feel like I'm the only person in this world around me who understands what a mother means to a person. Maybe it's just me, and how important she was to me. I lost her at the time girls stop fighting with their mothers and start understanding them; at the time girls start to relate to their mothers; at the time girls start discovering the girl behind their mother's eyes, that she was in fact a young girl before she became that strong, intractable fortress of a mother.
I guess it's pretty obvious. I need her; still. I have needed her to help me give meaning to the biggest parts of my life and now I'm left alone with that "task". Now, not only do I have to somehow be a mother to myself, but I also have to be a mother to my sister. It's so strange, how that feeling just comes with my mother's passing away. All of a sudden, I'm more protective of my sister, like a sense of obligation to my mother, like she would expect it of me, like I would let her down if I didn't. And where my patience ends is where my mother's would start, when it comes to my sister, because she deserves it, because her mother was taken from her; and taken from me.
Two years... I heard them loud and clear when they said, " It doesn't go away, it just gets easier to live with in time". Personally, it keeps getting harder.
One day, without ever previously discussing it, my sister and I realized we felt the same way about mom's absence. I thought it was so strange, listening to her describe it exactly how I felt it. She said, " I feel like we went on this trip and left her there for a while. But now it's time to go back and bring her home . We have to go get her."

My brain doesn't help much either. It makes me feel so stupid at times. Every now and then, what happens is like a malfunction; I'll be doing something random, anything, like reading a book, taking out the garbage, tidying, and then I'll get this flash of a thought that hits me really fast; too fast for me to prevent and yet slow enough to ache like hell :
"Oh my God, I haven't called my mom in ages!" ...More than the thought itself, I HATE having to walk my brain, step by step, through the process called "This is why you don't need to think that anymore". And when I've reached the end ... I still can't believe it. It comes up sometimes in random conversations with people, and I hear myself say the words, 'Oh, well, I lost my mother, she's dead, she's gone', and a few particulars here and there... It still feels like I'm talking about someone else.
Maybe it gets better after a few more years... what can I say.

Stashia Stashia
31-35, F
3 Responses Oct 2, 2013

i meant: I also have had those intrusive thoughts

hello dear,
i have had two intrusives thoughts, 'you must call her' to only realize that i was waking up to the nightmare of her absence.
i send blessings, compassion and strength your way,

One day everything will make sense. Once you get married and have kids, you will realize and appreciate your mother more but it wont hurt as much because you will have someone beside you to share your feelings with. My cousin lost her mother at the age of 10. She became quiet and lost. Grew up to be a beautiful woman. Got married to a wonderful man and now living a happy life. Im sorry for your loss. Every tragedy in life makes us stronger and increases our faith. Put all your trust in God. One day you will make an amazing mother and your mum will be smiling at you from far away... All of us have our share of happiness and sorrows in life. At least you loved your mum. There are soo many girls out there who never care and give love to their mothers.
You are sensitive. At times you feel lonely and lost but believe me things ALWAYS change for the better. Live your life to the fullest. Do things that would have made your mum proud of you. Pray for her and expect the best in life. God bless you sweety


Your words moved me.
Thank you.