New Territory

Last year was a hard year. I lost my grandmother, my mother, and my marriage, thought the latter was actually a positive change. I sometimes find it hard to understand how I feel, or to know for sure if I'm feeling what I should be feeling. The idea of loosing my mother was my greatest fear for so many years of my life, and when it happened, and I was ok, it brought me the most incredible release. I loved her so very very much, but now she's dead, my greatest fear is gone. I should be sad, but now a whole year has passed and it has been the best year of my entire life, the most wonderful things have happened, and I am truly happy. I feel fine about her being dead, and that worries me in some ways, because it doesn't seem natural to be as ok as I am while my other siblings still seem to feel a deep loss.

Sometimes I wake at night and in my slumber I don't have any inner walls erected, and I suddenly realise that she is dead, as though I am realising it for the very first time, and it's like being hit by an emotional nuclear bomb. For about two tenths of a second I feel probably what I should feel at the loss of my mother, and then my walls fly up, and I'm ok again.

I at first thought I had an advantage, that somehow being so scared of this eventuality my whole life I was therefore uniquely prepared for it. But increasingly I wonder if, in fact, the fear went so deep that I am simply not emotionally recognising my loss. And I want to, desperately, but if my own mind is keeping me from it, I don't know, perhaps it knows what's best?

This is where it would be handy to have a manual that teaches you about the basics of life, and death.
davidstone78 davidstone78
26-30, M
3 Responses Jul 30, 2007

It's hard to know the "right" or "best" or "most appropriate" way to grieve, but I think that emotional process of losing someone you love is so powerful and so deep that there is no standard way to process it. Instead, I think you rely on your strength of spirit (which seems to be helping you through right now) and don't worry too much about how you should/shouldn't be feeling. You may be right that you had thought and feared of this moment for so long that when it actually came you had already processed much of that emotion just in fear. Thank you for sharing your insights and emotions with us-- it's such a touching story.

Hi... I was browsing through all the groups and saw yours and read the story... To me, emotions are a mystery that we just have to live with. Maybe, in my humble opinion, you shouldn't worry about how you're dealing with it. Maybe you're doing what's best for you without even knowing it. If you're eating and sleeping and working all right, and being decent to the other people in your life, I'd say leave yourself alone and trust your own body's and mind's wisdom... Other than that, I just wanted you to know that there's one more person out here who cares, and hopes you make it past that hard year and into the rest of your life in good shape.

I lost my mother when I was eighteen months old, so I will never know how you are feeling as I was to young to greave, but what I felt when I read your story was such a wonderful feeling that could possible only of come from the great love and respect your mother gave you that now she is no longer with you, you are getting on with your loss through the streanth you have got from your mother, I think you are greaving in such a balanced way, and that is why good things have happend in the past year because your a sound person. xx