My Baby, My Mother

In fall of 2007 I discovered I was pregnant with my first child. I shared this news with my best friend, my mother. She hadn't been feeling too well, but nothing exceptional. Then the doctor discovered she had a brain tumor and had only a few months to live. We weren't even sure she would see my baby and as I live on another continent, I was not allowed to fly out to see her. She managed to stay alive until the baby was born and we were able to see her. I saw her for the last time in July 2008 and she died in the November on the day after Obama was elected. I have been so happy since the birth of my child, but recently, I have begun feeling totally hopeless, angry, frustrated, etc. It's a long list. My husband has been reasonable, but last night told me he was starting to be frightened by my behavior. I don't know exactly what's wrong, but I suspect that losing my mother to cancer last year has poisoned by happiness. I miss her -- I miss her -- I miss her so much. She was my best friend. We spoke on the phone every single day and I told her absolutely everything (even things she wasn't too pleased about). Our mutual honesty and love was the greatest relationship I have ever known. I am trying to cultivate a close and loving relationship with my own daughter, but I have been more and more unkind towards my husband. I feel so alone and without that amazing person to talk to any longer. I just miss her. She was my rock and now I am alone floating through life with no goals, no motivation, no energy to do anything and too depressed to sleep much. If anyone out there has been through a similar experience I would love to connect.

nony72 nony72
Mar 17, 2009