She's Gone...she Was Only 55...

I know exactly how you feel. It will be two years this December since my mom passed away. She was 53. There are days when it feels like an eternity since she's been here, and others when it was like was just talking to her. Some days I'm better than others. But for the most part I feel i am more than just "coping". I dated a guy who had lost his mother to cancer and had let his grief consume his life. Seeing how he dealt with things helped me when I was faced with a similar situation. I knew that my mom, as loving and as strong as she was, would be devastated to see me consumed by grief. I was fortunate/unfortunate to be able to spend the last few weeks of her life with her. She had asked me to stay with her during a last ditch attempt at radiation. It was her and I alone in a lodge for hospital patients for three weeks. I'd take her to her appointments and for food, and unwillingly I would take her for smokes. The doctor said that she was too far gone for quiting to have any positive effects, it was more likely to cause her unneccessary stress. When we first got to the lodge she could walk on her own. Over the next three weeks I watched my mother's body slowly shut down. A woman so strong who I had never seen her cry in pain, woke me one morning with her tears as she was too weak to walk and had fallen trying to go to the bathroom. It scared me. I had never seen her like that. So vulnerable. One day, just days before her passing, I had woken her from her nap and was taking her to the bathroom. I was holding her up, her hair starting to fall out looked like cob webs on her sleeve. A mere shell of her former self, unable to speak clearly from a recent stroke, she murmured "Help me". "Help you what?" I thought. As she sat there on the toilet, I, who had being doing my best to plaster a smile over the impending grief, broke down and told her that it was alright for her to let go. That I promissed to keep the family together and to take care of everyone. I said we understood that she tried to hold on as long as possible and that we loved her and didn't want her to hurt anymore. After I put her back to bed, we made the phone calls to fly my bro and sis in to see her. She went to the hospital that night to be hooked up to an IV. No longer taking her pills to fight the disease, but merely pain killers to make her last hours more bearable. I tried to be as graphic as possible to prepare my bro and sis for what the should expect. Words could not prepare them. My dad spent the night with her on the 11th of Dec. He called the next morning and the three of us came running to the phone from all directions. There was no change in her condition. When my sis hung up the phone, I knelt down and prayed. I prayed for something I never thought I would pray for in a million years. I prayed for my mom to die. I couldn't take watching her suffer anymore. I wanted her to let go. Half an hour later dad called to say she was gone. After the funeral I was looking through pictures with my sister. She said some of the memories she had were blurry and she wished she had done thigns differently at times. I told her to be glad she has the memories she does and not the images of watching mom die slowly that haunt my mind.

I honestly believe that my mother dying was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I t has made me stronger than I ever thought possible and has brought our family closer together. I know she chose me to stay with her to prepare me for her death, coach me so that I may help the others heal, and teach me to appreciate the little things. I miss her everyday. And everyday I am grateful for the experience she has given me. By far the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and the most precious and valuable of all my life lessons.

You can take what you want from your mother's passing. You can take sadness and grief or you can take love, understanding and gratitude. I believe that things happen for a reason and that my mom passing was something that needed to happen in order for me to grow and become the person I am today. I think your mom would want you to take the good things from this experience. It's often the hardest and most painful experiences that teach the best lessons and provide the best gifts. Sometimes it's really hard to find the gifts hidden in all the rubble, but they're there. Like the Phoenix that rises from the ashes, you too shall overcome this. Take care and know that you are stronger than you think :)

Thank you for your attention to my story. I am trying to cope with it. Mum was the best human I ever known. She was loving and carrying with everyone she knew. Our little apartment was too small to let everyone she knew to came in on her funeral. The place was full of flowers and crying people. Everyone loved her. I will be missing her till the rest of my life.