Lost My Mom To Cancer In Feb. 2010

My mother was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer back in december 2005 and she had surgery in the 2nd half of march 2006. After that she took chemo and everything was fine. she was undergoing mammography checks once in 3 months and an overall check one a year. In 2006 and 2007 everything was ok. In September 2008 she had to pass the overall check, but something interfered and she passed it eventually at the beginning of November 2008 and that's when she was diagnosed with recurring metastasis in her bones (mainly along the spine and below). she didn't tell me and my family, but when she started having severe bone pains she started chemo and she pulled through. She started feeling much better, but in April 2009 she starting noticing edemas forming around her ankles. They came and went away and we thought it's a chemo side effect. Then when she did an ultrasound test in August 2009, it showed that she had water in her pleura and then she had this procedure that takes out the water from the lungs. The edemas started going up to her knees and her legs were really swollen and we still believed it was due to a strong dose of chemo. My mother underwent chemo till late November 2009, that's when she had her last session and then in December 2009 during another ultrasound check a tumor of approximately 2 cm was discovered somewhere around the liver area. She started feeling day bay day worse; the edemas weren't going away and in late January she had a 5-day Bonefos treatment and of course that cause her another pleural effusion. After that she has severe nausea, she lost sleep and appetite, she couldn't pee and she got a catheter and she couldn't basically  defecate. So her body as completely in a toxicosis state. There's much more to this story than the words written here. The gamut of emotions is just all over the place. Sher had severe pains in the last days and i felt so so sorry for her. I just want to hug her and comfort her. At that time we were encouraging her although we knew the end was drawing in near. The day she died, her body was starting slowly to get cold, first her legs and hands. She was sedated but she was conscious till the last moment she couldn't open her eyes, but she said she could hear us very well. and she was muttering some words, which i can still hear to this day and moment. I just want to back in time and hug her. My family and I we have been supportive throughout the last  year and a half. I regularly told my mother i loved her and showed my affection. Deep down inside i knew that she wouldn't live as much as i or she wanted to. I expected her live another 2-3 years, but it was only 1 year and i have this feeling of injustice that she died to soon. It's still hard to cope with her loss when i look at her photographs. Her passing left a big empty space and it's so hard to fill this space. And it haunts me. I work at it. There are days when it's better and there are days when it's   just unbearable. When she died, the moment she gave her last breath, i was petrified, blocked. I didn't cry and somewhere deep inside i felt happy for her that she escaped from the torments of this malefic disease. I visit her grave twice a week and i talk to her. All in all i still can't believe she's gone. I know she's out there somewhere and that's when i want to find her, but i don't know where to go and this feeling of helplessness is truly crushing.

kilt kilt
26-30, M
2 Responses Mar 10, 2010

I want to hug you really tight and let you know that no matter what happens you will still have and cherish your love for your mother. You have to be strong and try to be around her as much as you can, it really matters! Talk to her, just tell her whatever you think she needs to know. My prayers are with you. God bless

When reading your story, I can sympathise with part of what you went through but ultimately I'm preparing myself for your biggest pain and loss. <br />
<br />
I'm currently trying to cope with the upheaval of my Mum's recently discovered metastatic breast cancer.<br />
She found a lump two years ago but told no one until a few months ago. Tumours have spread to her spine and lungs. She coughs regularly and is in a lot of pain due to the spine tumour. She's currently undergoing Chemo and just started to lose her hair today. <br />
<br />
My parents remain optimistic but I can't help but feel an underlying doom. I hope I don't have to experience what you have, but I think I will. I just don't want her to be in pain. <br />
<br />
You are very strong. <br />
I worry that if my Mum dies I might completely lose it. I might go off the deep end.