"she Aches Just Like A Woman, But She Breaks Just Like A Little Girl"

My mother was a complicated person. She was the most beautiful person for many people, and gave much more than she received. She always had depression since abuse as a child, but had brought herself to raise three children using faith, exercise, good food etc. I often felt that she was the only one who really cared for the family and kept everyone together. My dad left when I was 4, and I grew up with one of my sisters but mostly just my mom. She taught me about music, art, literature, politics, religion and nature and in many ways I was the focus of her life. I had a love-hate relationship with her because she needed me so bad it made me feel strange, and like I was often playing the parental role. My older sister has always had serious mental issues and addictions, which broke my mothers heart. My younger sister became estranged from my mother when she confronted her for having an affair. That left me, the youngest, the baby to take care of mom. But life had other plans for me, at 17 I fell head over heels, got engaged and moved out in a short time. I grew apart from my mother at the point, largely because my fiancee didn't like that we were close and called her crazy ***** basically. This past summer my fiancee left me out of nowhere when I was away from home, largely due to problems between our family's and very different upbringing's. My mom was there for me when this happened, and we re-connected over the pain and she brought me much consolation during the worst thing that ever happened to me. However after my mom saving my sister from hitting bottom so many times, and family troubles worse than ever, it was too much for me to handle, so I distanced myself for awhile to cope with the stress. My mother had even said at times that she had no hope for my sister and that she was just torturing her. Four months after I was abandoned for the second time, my mother left me too. I found out after the fact that my mom started anti-depressants less than a week before her death. I came home from work one evening, with my priest in my living room, saying that my mother had been missing for 24 hours and that a friend had found her car at a beach we both loved dearly. My heart sunk and I knew what had happened, however I didn't get the news that her body was discovered for another 24 hours. On december 21st my mother walked into the freezing cold water and ended her own life. I'm left here, 21 years old, shocked to say the least grieving her loss, but having faith that she is at peace. I do feel anger at my sister and family, but also indescribably upset that my former best friend and lover or her family didn't even care enough to send condolences. I'm also dealing with shame and guilt from not saving her. No one knew it was coming. She left no note and no goodbye, and though what I remember most is her beautiful, kind and endlessly loving side, her death makes it hard not to think about the other side. I've often imagined her body in the surf, how I wished that I could be there to recover her body and bring it to shore.
misternnu misternnu
18-21, M
1 Response Jan 7, 2013

I can't imagine the pain you're going through now. This recently happened to a family I know, and she (the mum) had 3 children under 18. All I know is that you can't know what's inside another person, and none of it was your fault. Let yourself feel all the emotions that come up, whether it be anger, guilt (not that you have anything to feel guilty about, but I've been told it is important to let yourself feel this, as it's a normal feeling that comes up, and you need to be able to process these feelings) desperation, helplessness, whatever; feel it and move through it as you can; take each hour as it comes. Please, if you need to talk, reach out and find someone who can just listen to you. Even a professional grief counsellor, if you have access to one. The fact that your mum has died does not take away from her life, the relationship you had with her, or how much she loved you. Please take care of yourself; people care. Your life is worth so much. Big hugs to you!! You are a very strong person, and you will make it through. Be kind to yourself.