I lost my mom to suicide in May 2014. She had made several attempts in the last ten years and made threats every couple of months. I always assumed they were cries for attention, so I would give her all the attention she needed at first I would drive to her house stay with her all night, visit her at the hospital call her and tell her how much I loved her. I just wanted her to be better, to be happy, not to make threats anymore. I tried everything to try to help her understand exactly what she was saying when she wanted to end her life and what that meant to my brother and I. I feel in the last year that I had given up on her it was beginning to be too much, I never tried to imagine her feelings from her point of view. Then in April I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't wait to tell my mom, it would've been her first grandchild, give her something to live for to look forward to, to give her meaning in her life. I know for a fact that my child would've brought so much light in her life, she was beaming with joy when I shared the news, it brings tears to my eyes now, she was SO happy! Then on May 3rd I found out is was having a miscarriage I told my mom, she offered to come over the next day, I said I would be fine, and she told me to call her if I needed her. She texted me a little after midnight saying she wished she would've been a better role model to me and to remember that she loved me and she hoped my stepmom would be a better mother to me. When I woke up and read the message I didn't reply..... I was in complete turmoil myself, little did I know that if I had, she would still be here. I received a call on May 4 at 6:04 pm that my stepfather had returned home from a race and that my mother was dead, and that I'd better head over because the investigators had questions. I will never forgive myself for not responding to the last message I'll ever receive from her. I needed her in that next week more than I ever have. I'm still trying to process everything nearly 4 months later. After enduring the greatest physical and emotional pain in my entire life, two great significant losses within two days. It's still doesn't seem right that she's gone forever. My heart will ache for her forever, all the what ifs still run through my mind everyday. I could've done so many things different. I guess that's why they say hindsight is 20/20, but this is one thing I can't change now.
heatherash1204 heatherash1204
26-30, F
2 Responses Aug 21, 2014

I'm sorry for both of your losses . I lost my my to suicide on May 17 2009 and I'm just dealing with it now. I also blamed myself for her death for a long time but once I started talking about it with my family I found out we were all blaming are selves for different reason. It was not your fault!! Sence her death I've grown up got married and had a baby of my how he's now nine months old it was the two hardest things I had to do with out her ! I wish she was her to see my life now because my life wasn't all that great before she left !! And I could have been a better daughter!! I'm feeling for you and if you want to chat add me to your circle .

My mom & dad killed themselves. It's hard the first few years. Now I get it.