Mother of Mine

I was born in 1961, by 1963 my mother was dead, she left me and my three elder sisters.   I was eighteen months, my second sister was about seven, the other sister was ten, and my elder sister was thirteen, I cant imagine what it must of been like for her when my mother died, I admire my eldest sister so much.   I have no memory of my mother whats so ever, I cant even pretend I do coz I dont, I only started missing her when I was in my early fortys, I never once missed her when I was a child, I have never felt her presence and only know what she looks like because of photos, I wonder sometimes what it must of been like for my mother when she found out she was dying, how does a young women feel when she is faced with the heartbreak that she will never be there for us, Its times like that when I feel sadness, not for me but for my mother.

I feel that not having a guidence from our mothers wether they are nice mums or not, makes one feel that we dont ever fit, I often feel that I have no true identity and it dosnt matter where I live on earth because there is no place I can say feels like home, Loosing my mother at such a young age has caused me many insecurities when I was growing up, maybe if my mother was alive to protect me I would never of been abused, maybe this or maybe that, I will always have what ifs about my mum not being around, wondering how my life could of been having her loving arms wrapped around me while I slept, but they are usless thoughts that gain nothing so Its not worth thinking about, I hope she is looking down upon me, I guess I will never know till am meant to.

rosygal rosygal
46-50, F
2 Responses Jul 27, 2007

The great thing about surviving when a child suffers loss is that a child can basically bounce back from anything, children are very adjustable. Thank God I was.

T hank you for your comment,its nice to know someone feels my pain.