Just This Past January

I'm 33, and my mother was 74.  She was remarkably healthy, worked out several days a week at the gym, took care of herself.  Everything seemed great until she got really sick and they found that there were two huge tumors blocking her colon.  When they did surgery to remove the tumors, they found cancer all through her lower body.  This was in late October/early November.  I last saw her on Thanksgiving.  She requested I not come home for Christmas, as she said it was just too much for her, so I didn't.  She died in January.

I thought I was okay with it, having had a few months to get used to the idea before it happened.  And even after the fact, I still felt okay.  But a month later, I was treated for a bleeding ulcer.  The week after that, I was so dehydrated I couldn't move.  And the week after, I had strep throat.  My doctor said it was because my immune system was lowered from the stress.  I ended up losing my job in April, and suddenly found myself with a lot of free time, and a lot of grief I hadn't dealt with.

Because I've never really been close to my family, I don't talk to or see them much.  Mom was the only connection I really had to the rest of the family.  In the eight months since her death, ONE of my ten siblings has called me twice and emailed me twice.  The conversations tend to be short and somewhat awkward, since the only thing we really had in common was Mom.

Compounding the issue is the fact that of the eleven children, I'm the only one who was adopted.  I know my birth mother, and I know she made the choice because she had to, not because she wanted to.  But I still can't help but feel on an emotional level that I've been abandoned by not just one mother, but two.  And now by my whole family, as well as most of my friends (though, to be fair, that was me abandoning them... after she died, I just sort of isolated myself).

I'm still grieving a lot.  I guess that goes on for a very long time.  Most of the time I'm okay, but every now and then it just hits me that I'll never be able to talk to her again and hear her say she's proud of me, and I just completely lose it.  I have dreams that she's still alive and that it was all a misunderstanding, and in the dreams, I'm angry, because she put us through all of this for nothing, and now we'll have to go through it again when she does die.

Once I'm employed again and have health insurance, I'll definitely be looking into counseling, because this isn't the sort of thing anyone should have to go through alone.  But for now, I'm muddling through as well as I can, and thought maybe if I talk to others who've been through similar, it might help.
lunameow lunameow
31-35, F
Aug 13, 2007